Dear the Universe, thanks for the gold grill

I found a grill on the sidewalk on my walk home tonight. Yep. A gold grill. From the mouth of someone I do not know. And I picked it up (with my sleeve covering my hand because other people’s mouths are weird). Lest you think me a liar, I have 1) photographic evidence and 2) a witness, as I was walking home with my coworker, J. Here’s 1):

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I am a big believer in signs from the universe. I get signs from the universe ALL THE TIME. Whether or not I listen is a whole other story, obviously. However, on this walk home I found 2 lucky pennies and a GOLD EFFING GRILL. I don’t even know what to do with this information. Is this hilarious or tragic? Where did this grill come from? How did it escape its owner’s mouth? Do I go to cash4gold.com? Am I going to die in gang-related gunfire? Well? Am I?

It’s just that I never thought I’d have an occasion to wonder about the price of gold. This seems as good a time as any to tell you about the time I made cupcakes that looked purposefully like kitty litter, because they were made for my witness, J. I think it was a very successful final product.

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That is, if you can ever call food that looks like cat shit on purpose a success.

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Some people might argue that you can’t, but those people also might not be excited to find a random person’s dental jewelry on the sidewalk on a cold and foggy San Franfuckingfrisco summer walk home from work, during which the topic of conversation lolled happily from “do you think I can recite the entire script of Dumb & Dumber?” to “does the permanence of your actions ever just HIT you all at once?” So you know, it was just a walk home to remember in general.

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And here are some cupcakes that look like an animal pooped on them. You’re welcome.

One-Bowl Chocolate Cupcakes
makes 18

3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 1/2 cups sugar
1 1/2 tsps baking soda
3/4 tsp baking powder
3/4 tsp salt
2 large eggs
3/4 cup warm water
3/4 cup buttermilk
3 tbsp safflower oil
1 tsp vanilla extract

1. Preheat oven to 350. Line standard muffin tins with paper liners. Sift cocoa powder, flour, sugar, baking soda, baking powder, and salt into a large bowl. Add eggs, warm water, buttermilk, oil, and vanilla, mix until smooth.
2. Divide batter among muffin cups, filling each 2/3 full. Bake until tops spring back when touched, about 20 minutes. Transfer cupcakes to wire racks and let cool. Cupcakes will keep, covered, for up to 3 days.

Creamy Vanilla Frosting (from epicurious, where it was reprinted with permission from More FromMagnolia: Recipes From The World-Famous Bakery and Magnolia’s Home Kitchen, by Allysa Torey)

Makes enough for one 3-layer 9-inch cake

6 tablespoons all-purpose flour
2 cups milk
2 cups (4 sticks) unsalted butter, softened
2 cups sugar
2 teaspoons vanilla extract

In a medium-size saucepan, whisk the flour into the milk until smooth. Place over medium heat and, stirring constantly, cook until the mixture becomes very thick and begins to bubble, 10-15 minutes. Cover with waxed paper placed directly on the surface and cool to room temperature, about 30 minutes.

In a large bowl, on the medium high speed of an electric mixer, beat the butter for 3 minutes, until smooth and creamy. Gradually add the sugar, beating continuously for 3 minutes until fluffy. Add the vanilla and beat well.

Add the cooled milk mixture, and continue to beat on the medium high speed for 5 minutes, until very smooth and noticeably whiter in color. Cover and refrigerate for 15 minutes (no less and no longer – set a timer!). Use immediately.

Cat poop:

chocolate marshmallows dipped in melted chocolate  (for the wet ones) 
warmed and sculpted tootsie rolls (for the dry ones)
Graham cracker crumbs for kitty litter

Yep. Went there.

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Author: katboda

Hey, cram it.

1 thought on “Dear the Universe, thanks for the gold grill”

  1. well done. I’m going to have to request a picture of you wearing the grill (after a proper soak) and taking a bite of the kitty poo cake. close up on the grill though. And that’s the logo for your next venture- bad bitches bakery.

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