Because it was my birthday this Friday, and because I saw some “mediterranean cucumbers” in Whole Foods, and because it was my birthday, and because I love pickles, and because it was my birthday, I made some quick pickles. Did I mention it was my birthday? I have to admit, I used to be one of those people who tried to pretend I don’t like to make a big deal out of my birthday. It’s just one of many defense mechanisms I’ve built up from bad relationships wherein the boy I was dating straight up FORGOT about my birthday, which is a thing that happened to me 3 times with 2 different boys. So anyway, obviously, at the time, because I wanted so badly to be “the cool girlfriend” I was like, whatever, doesn’t matter, those are not the things that I care about.

But, it just isn’t true. I am a human, and I like it when humans that supposedly love me pay attention to me. I just like it. I like people telling me Happy Birthday. I like cupcakes and streamers and like….attention.  It makes me feel nice.

So that’s a thing that is. Ok, let’s stop talking about it because it’s already making me feel uncomfortable.

Regarding these quick refrigerator pickles though, they are lovely. As are all pickles.

But you guys already know you can’t really trust me when it comes to pickles, because I’m an equal opportunity pickle lover. So you could give me a bad pickle from some spoiled batch from some shitty factory in some state that doesn’t care about pickles, and I would still eat that pickle. I have standards. Are you a boy who is supposed to love me and you forget my birthday? Forgiven. Are you a pickle that tastes like poison? Forgiven. So basically if you’re a boy and I love you and/or you are a pickle of any sort, you are ok in my book no matter what. So I guess now you know the key to kat’s heart. Pickle or loved boy. When you really really really really really think about it, what’s the difference? I mean, one is less disappointing in the long run. But one….probably makes up for it with pickle. Bam bam bam bam bam. Porn joke. Aaaaand I’m out.

Spicy Pickles
*adapted from Lottie + Doof

about 8-10 kirby cucumbers, quartered
2 tablespoons of kosher salt
2 tablespoons of sugar
1 1/2 cups of distilled white vinegar
2 tablespoons of coriander seeds
1 tsp ground mustard
4 garlic cloves peeled and sliced thin
1/2 onion, sliced thin
1/2 cup loosely packed dill sprigs

1. Pack the cucumber slices, garlic slices, onion slices and dill springs into a clean, 2-quart glass jar.
2. In a container pot, combine the salt, sugar, vinegar, coriander and mustard. Boil.
3. Add water to the mixture and pour the brine over the vegetables. Add more water to the jar to fully cover the vegetables and seal tightly. Refrigerate for at least 24 hours before eating. Store in the refrigerator for up to one month.


Author: katboda

Hey, cram it.

One thought on “Quickles”

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