Why I’m probably not going to be Mrs. Jesse Eisenberg

Guys. I blew my only chance with Jesse Eisenberg.

Anyone who knows me knows my profound love for all skinny, nerdy, anxious Jewish dudes. Seriously they are my achilles heel. The more nervous the better. And Jesse Eisenberg is like, King Skinny Nerdy Anxious Jewish dude. He came to my work to promote his new movie (with Aziz Ansari, WHO I ALSO LOVE and is hilarious). Obviously I spent the whole time projecting my idea of who Jesse Eisenberg should be onto him. In my mind, he thinks wayyy too much about everything, one of those real lives-inside-his-own-head types (which I inexplicably love). He reads a lot. He reads a lot and he’s smart and sometimes he can come off as a pretentious asshole, but he’s not. He’s just nervous, and sometimes he doesn’t know what to say, and it comes out wrong. He doesn’t waste most of his life on the internet, and his relationship with his parents is not amazing, but it’s pretty decent. He gets emotionally exhausted after playing a movie role and needs to spend some time flushing out the aspects of the character, but sometimes not all of it gets flushed out, and he carries around his characters with him, and that weighs him down in a way. But he’s self-aware, and he really tries to understand his own emotions and own his behaviors. Obviously he is into quirky blonde girls, and obviously he loves pie. This is what I was thinking about the entire time I was watching his interview.

Anyway, after work I’m sauntering downstairs to go bake pies, and Jesse is sitting on the couch in the lobby. By himself! I mean, his people are near him, but he’s just sitting there. And then he makes eye contact and SMILES at me. So obviously my reaction is to cock my head to the side and give him a strange look, like, what are you doing here Jesse Eisenberg? And he laughed at this ridiculous blonde girl giving him a strange look, and gives me a look back. And then I laugh and then he WAVES AT ME. And I WAVE BACK. Guys, JESSE EISENBERG SMILED AND WAVED AT ME.

And because I am a barely functioning human being, I then proceed to turn 8 shades of red and I RUN AWAY. I just run away from Jesse Eisenberg, who WAVED AT ME, and who is sitting, ALONE, on the couch, JUST WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO COME OVER AND CHAT WITH HIM A LITTLE BIT.

Internet, I hate myself! I am the worst. I blew it.

Now, obviously, from Jesse Eisenberg’s perspective, this scene unfolded thusly:

Hey, I’m just sitting here on the couch hoping no one will bother me. Oh wow there is a creepy blonde girl looking at me, maybe if I smile she’ll just continue on her way. What the…what is she doing? What is this strange look she is giving me? This might be the strangest human being I’ve ever come into contact with. I’ll just smile and wave and hope she doesn’t come over here. Ah, yeah, that seemed to work. Phew!


Hey, I’m Jesse Eisenberg sitting here on this couch, I smile and wave at everyone who walks by because I meet a lot of people and this way they feel some sort of connection to me and then want to go see my movies, uh oh this blonde one is giving me a weird look, ah well, she looks like one of those skinny-anxious-nerdy-jewish-guys lovers, let’s smile and wave, yup. Yup. Turned red and ran away. She’s a Jesse Eisenberg movie-goer for life.

But in my mind I’ll always have that moment when Jesse Eisenberg waved at me. And then my own awkwardness carried me out the door before I could even think of what I’d say.


Author: katboda

Hey, cram it.

2 thoughts on “Why I’m probably not going to be Mrs. Jesse Eisenberg”

  1. Another gratuitous, random reference to Jesse Eisenberg being Jewish? I’m pretty sure that, at this point in the game, every such reference should be accompanied by a mention of the fact that Natalie Portman, Logan Lerman, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Paul Rudd and Mila Kunis are also all Jewish. That is for starters.

  2. You make a good point. I would bone of all those people too. So I guess it’s less about his being Jewish, and more about his occupying top spots on my boneable list. Though I don’t know who Logan Lerman is. J G-L though, be still my beating heart.

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