All of the every green

So have you guys ever used one of those futuristic toilets? You know, the ones where you don’t need toilet paper? I mean, what is *need* really, right? Right? Too much yoga? Ok, yeah, I hear you.

Anyway, have you ever sat on a robot toilet? I have, many times. Usually there is no real incident. I just sit and use it like it’s a regular toilet, mildly curious about exactly HOW the robotic toilet SHOULD be used. More specifically, what’s the…how does it? Work? Exactly? God I really don’t want to get into the specifics of this, but…..seriously whaaaat?

Ok. So then I was at work, and I was sitting on a robot toilet. Like I always do! AND THEN. Oh friends. Then. Robot toilet went haywire. Robot toilet started spraying me with a very warming spray of water. Without me asking it to! Sure, I’d been curious. Sure, I wondered how it all WORKED. But as the internet as my witness, I DID NOT ASK ROBOT TOILET FOR ITS WARM WARMING SPRAY OF WARMTH.

So, internet. I panicked. I pressed the stop button! Stop, robot toilet, stop!!!! I pressed that button so many many times. So many. I turned the power off. (It didn’t have its intended effect). I squealed. I laughed. I laughed so hard, because there I was: atop a robot toilet, being pleasantly sprayed, against my will, and I just didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t get up, because then the spray would spray everywhere! And all my coworkers would think….I don’t even know what they would think! But I didn’t want them to think it! So I just SAT there. For WAY TOO LONG. Press stop. Power off, power on. Stop. Stop. STOP. FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY I DO NOT WISH TO BE SPRAYED.

And then……it just stopped. After what I can only estimate to be 12 minutes of warm water. And I’ve never been so happy in my life.

Ever. That was the highlight of my life. The sweet sweet sensation of not being gently cleaned against my will. I just….guys, I don’t even know. Do things like this HAPPEN to other people, or am I pretty much using up the entire quota of insane things? Also occurring during this whole episode: the soaking of the back of my shirt. Let’s just say I walked backwards out of the conference room of the meeting I went to next. Verrrry slowly. Oh this? Just working my complementary leg muscles. Nice to meet you too, Mr Businessman.

Spelt and Greens Salad

1 cup spelt or semi-pearled farro or wheat berries
1/4 red onion, chopped fine
1 or 2 stalks celery, chopped fine
2 cloves garlic
1 bunch asparagus
1 cup peas (mine were totally freshy-fresh)
1 cup broccoli, chopped roughly
1/2 avocado, sliced
3 tbsp olive oil
3 tbsp white whine vinegar
1 tsp honey
salt & pepper
splash of lemon juice
some mustard maybe?
1/4 cup toasted sunflower seeds

Boil a few cups of water and pour in the spelt. Bring to a boil, then turn down to a simmer and cook for 45 minutes or until the spelt is soft but a little bit crunchy.

While the spelt is cooking, heat the oven to 400. Line the asparagus up on a baking sheet and spread the broccoli out in one later. Drizzle with olive oil and skritz with salt and pepper. Use your hands to mix until the oil is evenly distributed. Place the garlic cloves, peeled but unchopped, on top of the asparagus. Roast in the oven for 20 minutes or until the asparagus and broccoli are slightly soft and a tad bit charred maybe.

Combine the red onion, celery, and peas in a bowl. Chop the garlic and add it to a small bowl. Add the olive oil, white vinegar, honey, lemon juice, and mustard and whisk until fully combined. Salt and pepper to taste. Add to the peas and mix to combine. Chop the asparagus roughly and add it along with the broccoli to the peas.

Once the spelt is fully cooked, drain and add to the bowl. Mix thoroughly and add more dressing if necessary. Fold in the avocado.

Top with the sunflower seeds, and maybe some feta or some parmesan or something. I dunno. Whatever.


Author: katboda

Hey, cram it.

2 thoughts on “All of the every green”

  1. I’ve been living in the mother land of robot toilets for the past three or four months, and I tell you what, I am NOT looking forward to moving back to a place where the toilets don’t care whether my buttcheeks are warm, or whether I’d like a strong or weak bidet stream, or whether I’d like it cool, middly, or hot, or whether I’d like a deodorizing fan or a loud flushing sound to run while I do business. But I hear you, I do; the buttons here are all in Japanese of course, so half the time I end up with something more like a colonic and less like a pleasant trickle.

  2. I’ve never laughed so hard in my life. First reading it to myself, and then out loud to everyone else in the room who thought I was laughing too hard at something. I could hardly get all the words out. I was asked to repeat myself. Many times.

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