Unfunfetti

HOLD UP HOLD UP, I BAKED SOMETHING. No foolin. I baked something without the sweet sweet useful amazing wonderful where are you I need you in my life help from my Kitchenaid. Let’s talk about making a homemade funfetti cake without a stand mixer. Namely, why would you ever do it? Why? It’s stupid hard and it’s stupid frustrating.

But it’s colorful! And your roommate loves funfetti and it’s her birthday, so look beyond your own pain and suffering for ONE MOMENT in your life and do something for someone else, god!!!!!

You know what else? You can’t cream butter with an immersion blender. Now you know! Also not recommended: using a glass fruit bowl as a mixing bowl! Unless you are really into butter being speckled all over your body. And the counter. And the floor. I think there is still some in my eye.

Know what else? I’ve been doing yoga, friends. Like, consistently! How do you like THAT? The least spiritual human being I know is trying her hand at plugging into the energy of the universe. Ish. Sometimes it makes me want to tear my heart out because my muscles are so tight. They’ve been that way forever, and despite having somehow made my trade as a hurdler in college, touching my toes is a struggle in every sense of that word. So when yoga lady Neesha is all “now REACH through your hamstrings and PUSH into the ground and FEEL the earth between you and open your heart and EXPAND your fingers into the universe and APPRECIATE the fact that you are alive and you can feel!!!” I am too busy imagining that the searing pain in my body is never going to go away. My personal hell? Holding a yoga pose for all eternity. Especially downward facing dog. It’s not even a cliche…god DAMN that shit is painful.

But sometimes I hit some sort of grand alignment with the universe or something. Then I feel this solid energy within me. Like I’m on the cusp of tapping into all of this boiling potential. Maybe. I don’t know. It’s either that or I’m getting my period.

In other news, this frosting failed horribly. Again, immersion blenders: awesome for soup! Not super for whipping egg whites. But hey, the cake is WONDERFUL. Like really good, so much better than the boxed stuff. If you’re a funfetti nut and also a masochist, boy have I found the recipe for YOU!

Homemade Rainbow Chip Cake
from Not Without Salt

1 cup milk, room temperature
2 teaspoons vanilla
6 egg whites (3/4 cup)
1/4 teaspoon cream of tartar
2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 cup cornstarch
1 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon baking powder
1 3/4 cup sugar
1 1/2 sticks (6 oz) butter, room temperature
1/2 cup rainbow chips (recipe below)

Pre-heat the oven to 350*. Prepare 2 9″ cake pans (or 24 cupcakes) with parchment then butter and flour.
In a medium bowl whisk to combine the flour, cornstarch, baking powder and salt.
In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the whisk attachment add the egg whites. Start whipping the whites on low. When frothy add the cream of tartar. Increase the speed to medium. When egg whites start forming very soft peaks gradually add in 3/4 cup of the sugar. Whip the whites until glossy, medium peaks form.

Transfer the whites to a medium bowl and rinse out the bowl of the stand mixer (unless you are lucky enough to have two bowls for your mixer). Fit the mixer with the paddle and cream the butter and the remaining 1 cups sugar until light, 5-7 minutes, on medium. Scrape down the sides of the bowl.

On low speed add 1/3 of the flour mixture. Then add half of the milk and the vanilla. Alternate until both wet and dry are all added. Stop the mixer before all of the flour is combine. Scrape the bowl and finish mixing by hand so as not to overwork the batter.

With a light hand fold in 1/3 of the egg whites into the batter. While some egg white streaks still remain fold in the rest of the whites. Add the rainbow chips. Admire the beauty.

Divide the batter into the cake pans (or cupcake). Bake until the cake springs back when gently pressed. 25-30 minutes for the cake 17-22 minutes for the cupcakes.

Rainbow Chip Frosting

*I didn’t use this, but I’d imagine it’s quite good!

3 sticks butter, room temperature
8 oz cream cheese, room temperature
4 cups powdered sugar
1-2 tablespoons heavy cream
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 vanilla bean, seeds removed (or 1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract)
3/4 cups rainbow chip (more if you need more brightness in your life)

Cream the butter and the cream cheese until completely smooth. Scrape down the sides of the bowl. On low speed add the powdered sugar. Add the cream, starting with 1 tablespoon. If you want a slightly looser frosting add the other tablespoon. Add the salt and vanilla seeds. Once again, scrape down the sides of the bowl then fold in the rainbow chips.

Well covered this frosting will keep in the fridge for up to one week, although some of the food color will start to tint the frosting. I recommend using it right away.

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Author: katboda

Hey, cram it.

3 thoughts on “Unfunfetti”

  1. Go to salvation army or goodwill for baking tools. You won’t find a kitchenaid, but you should be able to get mixing bowls at least! And maybe a regular handheld blender for pretty cheap. Also, look out for pie plates. I’ve been stocking up and found one at the Cambridge goodwill for $1.50. Score!

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