How to do everything wrong at once

Also known as, How Katrina Makes Marshmallows.

It’s not that I’m any stranger to doing things wrong. It’s not my official M.O., but, well. Unofficially, I kind of have the doing things wrong market cornered.

Do you ever wonder why people don’t really make their own marshmallows all the time? I have wondered this in the past. I wonder this no longer. There is a very good reason that people don’t make their own marshmallows. It is because homemade marshmallows are FOR CRAZY PEOPLE.

I am also no stranger to being a crazy person. I am. I am a crazy person who does most things wrong. But, you know, somehow I am not the type of crazy wrongdoer who can abide by making homemade marshmallows. This shit is ridiculous.

First of all, cornstarch and powdered sugar. Everywhere. Every-the-fuck-where. All over my clothes, my hair, everywhere. Every crevice it could work itself into, it was in.

Second of all I set something on fire. Again, not my first time. But this time it was like, REALLY AFLAME, and I didn’t know what to do, and my instinct was to drop it on the floor and stomp on it, which I did, but which was very scary and not terribly efficient.

Third of all my sugar mixture was like NOT getting to 240 degrees. I was cooking it and cooking it and cooking it and it was just sitting around 210. And it was bubbling and starting to smell like it was getting REALLY cooked and i was like, wtf is up? Then I realized…it wasn’t passing 212 degrees AKA 100 degrees Celcius AKA boiling point. And THEN, I looked inside the thermometer, and sure enough there was a tiny tiny tiny bit of water near the bottom, boiling, sitting on the damn heat measurement ball. So I poured it out and then I stuck it back in there and sure enough I had boiled my sugar to 350 degrees at that point, which is WAY TOO HOT. But I was so frustrated that I said, WHATEVER, and I poured that way too hot sugar into my gelatin and hoped for the best.

Well, perhaps the best happened. That is, if you think the best is the stickiest thing you’ve ever touched in your entire life ever and you have touched like every sticky thing ever because you’re one of those people who touches everything. Seriously this was insane. It was unrelentingly and equally sticky to everything it touched. I couldn’t even handle it. At one point I just screamed and screamed and screamed, and from down the hall my roommate screamed back, “are you turning into a werewolf?” Oh and then I broke my candy thermometer washing it. Just for good measure. Measure, thermometer, GET IT?

Anyway the point is, fuck homemade marshmallows. Because they’re so fucking good. Like, honey and vanilla bean flavored and fluffy and fucking perfect. So it’s like TOTALLY IMPOSSIBLE to just spend the 99 cents on the store-bought ones and swallow your pretension and be a normal person for once in your goddamned life.

Bah.

Honey Vanilla Marshmallows
from Joy the Baker

1 cup cold water, divided
3 1/4-ounce packages unflavored gelatin
1 1/2 cups sugar
1/4 cup honey
2/3 cup light corn syrup
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
half of a vanilla bean, seeds scraped out and reserved
1/2 cup cornstarch
1/2 cup powdered sugar

In a small bowl, whisk together cornstarch and powdered sugar.  Spray a 9×13×2-inch baking pan with non-stick cooking spray and coat with  the powdered sugar and cornstarch mixture.  Set both aside.

Pour 1/2 cup cold water into the bowl of a stand mixer fit with a whisk attachment.  Pour the three gelatin packs over the cold water and let sit for about 10 minutes.

In a medium saucepan over medium heat, bring sugar, honey, corn syrup, salt and the remaining cold water to a boil.  Stir to dissolve the sugar.  Attach a candy thermometer the the side of the pan and bring mixture up to 240 degrees F.  There’s no need to stir the mixture, just let it get hot hot hot!

When the sugar is heated to 240 degrees F, turn the mixer with the gelatin and water on low speed.  Carefully stream the hot sugar mixture into the bowl and the whisk moves.  Be careful onto to pour into the whisk and spatter the hot sugar all over the sides of the bowl.  Gradually increase the speed of the mixer until you’ve added all of the hot sugar mixture.  Beat on high for several minutes until a thick, fluffy, white marshmallow batter has formed… about 8 minutes.  Pour in the vanilla extract and vanilla bean and beat for another 2 minutes.

Spread the marshmallow mixture into prepared pan and smooth with a clean, wet spatula to prevent sticking.  Top marshmallow with corn starch and powdered sugar mixture and let set and rest for at least 4 hours, or overnight.

When  set, remove marshmallow from the pan and place on a large cutting board coated with cornstarch and powdered sugar,  Use a pizza cutter, coated with non-stick cooking spray to slice marshmallows.  Once sliced, toss the cut marshmallows in the cornstarch and powdered sugar and store in an airtight container for up to one week.

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Author: katboda

Hey, cram it.

2 thoughts on “How to do everything wrong at once”

  1. does this mean we have to make homemade marshmallows for the homemade marshmallow fondant for the wedding cake?

    because i have made marshmallows before. and they are sticky. and they are worth it.

    but i didn’t set anything on fire. what was that even doing there?

  2. I’M SORRY DID YOU WANT TO START YOUR OWN FOOD BLOG ABOUT HOW YOU MAKE MARSHMALLOWS AND DON’T SET RANDOM OATMEAL PACKETS ON FIRE??? BECAUSE YOU ARE WELCOME TO DO THAT. basically i’m unable to operate like a normal human being, THAT’S what that oatmeal packet was doing there.

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