Confessions of a lying liar

I’m maybe the biggest hypocrite who ever lived. I say maybe because of course there are all those politicians who are all “abstinence! family values! we hate gay people!” who are then screwing 1) their secretaries 2) other men 3) their videographers, sorry johnny e, I am giving you your own category you crazy scoundrel. So maybe there are a few people who are more blatantly hypocritical. But not by much.

Because like a mere week ago I was talking about how much I HATED fake sugar. How I can TELL when it’s in something and I just DESPISE IT, and there wasn’t anything you could do to change my mind. But then something happened. It’s like those movies, where there’s the hardened cynical girl, and there’s this admittedly kind of douchey but supposedly well-intentioned guy, and she HATES him. She hates him, and they exchange hateful barbs, and she sits around brooding all the god damned time about how there aren’t any decent men at all, and this guy especially represents all that is vile about the opposite sex. But then she’s like AROUND him all the time, and one day he like…surprises her or something? Like maybe he sticks up for some nerd or he like, is secretly really good at poetry or he’s  a closet feminist and reads chick lit. And then cut to the scene where they somehow end up in some dark place together, usually after taking a long walk where they TALK to each other for the first time really, and all of a sudden her tongue is all DOWN HIS THROAT.

What the hell am I talking about? Well, not men, for once. I’m talking about diet coke. I’m like, always AROUND diet coke. It’s everywhere, and lots of people love it. And I always maintained I hated it. Firmly. It was like, Everything That Was Wrong with America and Also Why Humans Are Terrible. And then one day last week I was in the lunch room, and someone had placed 3 free diet cokes on one of the tables with a sign that said “free diet cokes please drink me and love me forever katrina i am talking directly to you.” Or something similar. So, I had one. Because, free! And it was bubbly. And the next thing I knew my tongue was firmly down diet coke’s throat, and my icy hardened bitter fake-sugar hating heart was all fucking…WARM.

What does this have to do with me making raspberry ice cream? Nothing. I just felt guilty and I needed to tell you about it. And, what can I say about raspberries that I haven’t already said? They’re my #1. And raspberry ice cream? Well, it’s like the best fucking thing ever. I’m not even going to sell it to you. It does not need my endorsement. Because I can’t be trusted anyway. Because I had a diet coke, and I’ll probably have another.

Raspberry Ice Cream
from The Perfect Scoop

1½ cups half-and-half
1 cup sugar
1½ cups heavy cream
4 large egg yolks
1½ cups strained raspberry puree
1 tablespoon lemon juice

Warm the half-and-half and sugar in a medium saucepan. Pour the cream into a large bowl and set a mesh strainer over the top.

In a separate medium bowl, whisk together the egg yolks. Slowly pour the warm milk into the egg yolks, whisking constantly, then scrape the warmed egg yolks back into the saucepan.

Stir the mixture constantly over medium heat with a heatproof spatula, scraping the bottom as you stir, until the mixture thickens and coats the spatula. Pour the custard through the strainer and stir it into the cream. Mix in the raspberry puree and lemon juice, then stir until cool over an ice bath.

Chill thoroughly in the refrigerator, but to preserve the fresh raspberry taste, churn the ice cream within 4 hours after making the mixture.

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Author: katboda

Hey, cram it.

3 thoughts on “Confessions of a lying liar”

  1. Listen, it might feel good at first, but trust me, that poison residue will build up on your tongue and very soon, sooner than you think, you will be spitting and trying to scrape the top layer of cells off your tongue. And then you will never drink it again. Trust me. But go ahead and try it for a while. A girl’s got to learn her own lessons.

  2. My advisor’s book on fake sugars is coming out in Sept. Read it, and then decide how you feel about Diet Coke. I made the index, and if you can’t find what you need with it, tough cookies, just use google book preview like everyone else. Indexes are antiquated and I’m annoyed I had to waste hours of my life making one.

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