Some hot ladies and I got together the other night to make heart-shaped cookies and then eat them all in a fit of powdered sugar-induced mania.
It was a blast and I wish you were there with us. We used a wine bottle as a rolling pin (we’re just soOoOo wacky!!!!!)! We judged ourselves by our ability to not break the heart cookie tops (which were like WAY more delicate than our own hearts) as we transferred them from the counter to the baking sheet! Some of us were better than others (you know who you are, heart-breaker. OH THE INSIPID WORDPLAY that comes along with Valentine’s Day. you might want to kill me now to preempt it all).
But really, I don’t know how I feel about posting a Valentine’s Day inspired recipe on this here blog. On the one hand, I do enjoy getting into holidays. I’m all about pumpkin everything and christmas tree this and easter egg that and red-white-and-blue those and arbor day these. But on the other hand…Valentine’s Day. How corny do you get, really? I mean, I understand the concept, and I support it. You should show people you love them and if Valentine’s Day encourages you to send out cutesy valentines in the mail to everyone you love, PLEASE do that. I think that’s fantastic. What I DO. NOT. SUPPORT. is the like…oh it’s Valentine’s Day so my boyfriend should buy me something diamond and get me roses and take me out to a fancy dinner. LAME. L-A-M-E. If you’re a dude, and you’re reading this blog, and you have a girlfriend about whom you care deeply, SHAME ON YOU if you’ve planned any of the aforementioned things.
But I mean, making her heart-shaped cookies? Knock yourself out. Which you might! Because these are not easy to make! But, as my friend Marge so appropriately quoted from some 90’s band whose name is currently escaping me: the more you suffer, the more it shows you really care, right, yeah.
So dudes, I’m going to give you some advice. This is a freebie, because you know how I feel about your kind on the whole and I sincerely hope that you understand the truce that is occurring right now for me to be giving you any sort of [OBVIOUS AND SIMPLE SO WHY HAVE YOU NOT FIGURED THIS OUT YET YOU DUMMIES] direction about Valentine’s Day. 1) Don’t even fucking think about roses. Just fucking STOP IT. And GOD HELP YOU if you buy them from like…7-11 on your way home. FIND OUT HER FAVORITE FLOWER (it’s not roses. if it is, good luck, friend. it’s a scientific fact that only crazy ass hos who are like WAY too high maintenance like roses [apologies crazy ass hos who read this blog, but come on, you know it’s true]) and get some of those, if you insist on flowers, which I’m not saying you shouldn’t. Even regular ass hos like flowers. 2) Those terrible Whitman’s chocolates in a heart shaped box that NOBODY FUCKING LIKES? NO. No no no no no. Chocolates? Yes, sure. But christ, NOT FROM THE DRUG STORE. Go to a chocolatier or something. Get some fancy truffles for chrissake. Put them in a wooden box. Put them in a mason jar. ANYTHING but that infernal heart-shaped tastes-like-wax bullshit. 3) Fancy dinner? Sure, whatever, Vanilla McBorington. What about making her dinner? What about getting $50 worth of taco bell and that really good mexican soda (jarritos?) and having a picnic on the floor of your apt? What about buying her favorite wine or beer and pairing it with cheeses you picked out from some specialty cheese shop? What about a 5 course meal that uses 5 different parts of the pig? Am I just listing things I want? I DON’T KNOW IT’S POSSIBLE. 4) Diamonds? Again. If she’s asking for diamonds, you are on your own here. Good luck with all of THAT. I’m sure that one will last forever. No seriously, have fun with her FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Because I gotta tell you, bitches ONLY GET CRAZIER.
So, gentlemen. Consider yourselves warned. You’re welcome. Also, truce over.
Pecan Linzer Cookies With Cherry Filling (or walnut linzer cookies with raspberry filling, as it were)
from Martha’s Cookies, natch