Douchey cupcakes

May I start off by thanking my darling sister for driving to the BART station to give me back my camera after I accidentally left it at her place? Well, that’s what I’m doing, because she told me I had to. As she handed me the camera over the turnstile she said “this better make the blog.” Friends, I didn’t know that getting mentioned on my blog was a bargaining chip for favors. Now that I know it, I’ma use it. Hey, can you go pick me up some fresh raspberries? I’ll mention it on my bloooooggggg.

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That doesn’t do it for you, does it? Fine. I’ll get my own, and you can’t have any. Ummm, oh yeah, so my sister and I made some cupcakes this weekend. Sometimes I think cupcakes are kinda awesome, and sometimes I think they’re kinda douchey. There’s a lot of hubbub about cupcakes, a lot of cupcake-specific bakeries with all sorts of avant-garde flavor options…which makes them way trendier than other not-as-cool baked goods. They’re like the hipsters of the bakery world. But, I guess, given the right occasion, the cupcake is appropriate. These were for a baby shower my sister was going to. Being that it was a baby shower, we decided to take the wee-ness of the cupcake one step further and make baby cupcakes.

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Because, clearly, the smart thing to do to a pregnant lady is to make her feel more huge. “Oh you brought me tiny cupcakes!!!”  “Oh no, preggy, those are regular size cupcakes. It’s just that you are SO FUCKING ENORMOUS that your sheer size is dwarfing any and all baked goods in your general vicinity.” Try it!

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We went vanilla because my sister thought that was more “baby-showery.” I don’t really know what that means. I guess in general chocolate is a bit more sensual? And I guess babies are all heavenly lightness and golden haloed hues and glowing cheeks and not deep dark velvety things, things that go well with wine, things that can poured all over the body, and….wait, does my mom read this?

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That’s my sister’s sexy new stove. It’s pretty beautiful. The masking tape and old lineloeum floors don’t compliment it best, but check out the knobs on that one, eh?

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God, I don’t know why a post about baby shower cupcakes has me making sexual references. I think it’s because, at this moment, I’m watching a movie with Clive Owen in it. Have you ever seen that man? Oh and his voice. It’s like dark chocolate in audio form. Holy hell he is a good looking specimen. I bet he would let me feed him cupcakes.

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Am I making you feel uncomfortable, reader? I apologize. Shall we get back to those little cute golden baby cupcakes then? Yes, let’s. So, I went to Sur La Table and bought some icing colors. I’m sick of using crappy food colors so I got some pretty, icing-specific violet and royal blue gels. See what pretty colors they produce? They’re lovely. I also got a decorating kit from IKEA for like $3. It included a piping bag and some tips, so my sister and I tried out our icing skills. Some of us were better than others:

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Listen, my sister is a pretty smart woman. She is, you know, getting her PhD…so I guess expert icer is not a title she necessarily needs. And that’s a good thing because, forgive me sis, she was pretty bad at it.

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Sorry for the blurry shot, but this is my favorite cupcake of hers. Don’t you love the little elf hat it’s wearing? It’s so cute. In the end, we had about 50 iced cupcakes, some prettier than others, but all guaranteed to make a pregnant lady feel self conscious about the enormity of her stomach.

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And when I can make a pregnant lady feel bad about the miracle of life, well friends, my work here is done.

Vanilla Cupcakes with Vanilla Buttercream Frosting
from The Joy of Baking

1/2 cup (113 grams) unsalted butter, room temperature
2/3 cup (130 grams) granulated white sugar
3 large eggs
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
Zest of 1 large lemon (optional)
1 1/2 cups (195 grams) all purpose flour
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup (60 ml) milk

Buttercream Frosting:

2 cups (230 grams) confectioners sugar (icing or powdered sugar), sifted
1/2 cup (113 grams) unsalted butter, room temperature
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
2 tablespoons milk or light cream
Assorted food colors (if desired)

Preheat oven
to 350 degrees F (177 degrees C) and lightly butter or line 12 muffin cups with paper liners.

For the Cupcakes: Cream the butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Add the eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Beat in the vanilla extract and lemon zest.

In a separate bowl whisk together the flour, baking powder, and salt.

With the mixer on low speed, alternately add the flour mixture and milk, in three additions, beginning and ending with the flour. Scrape down the sides of the bowl.

Evenly fill the muffin cups with the batter and bake for about 18-20 minutes or until nicely browned and a toothpick inserted into a cupcake comes out clean. Remove from oven and place on a wire rack to cool. Once the cupcakes have completely cooled, frost with icing. If you want flat topped cupcakes then slice off the dome of each cupcake, with a sharp knife, before frosting. If you want to pipe the frosting, I like to use a large Wilton 1M closed star decorating tip.

For the Frosting: In an electric mixer, or with a hand mixer, cream the butter until smooth and well blended. Add the vanilla extract. With the mixer on low speed, gradually beat in the sugar. Scrape down the sides of the bowl. Add the milk and beat on high speed until frosting is light and fluffy (about 3-4 minutes). Add a little more milk or sugar, if needed. Tint the frosting with desired food color (I use the paste food coloring that is available at cake decorating stores and party stores).

Makes about 12 cupcakes (or 800000 baby ones)

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Author: katboda

Hey, cram it.

5 thoughts on “Douchey cupcakes”

  1. Hey, that’s not what I said. I did care if the camera hand-off was in the blog. I just wanted you to hurry up and post it.

  2. My blog, my intepretation. If you don’t like it, get your own blog. Just kidding sis. For the record, all, Julia’s account is the right account.

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