Internet, I don’t know. I flat out haven’t wanted to write in the last 6 months. It doesn’t mean I’m not baking or getting into trouble or being hopeless. I am still very much all of those things. I just got tired of having a baking blog. First of all, every idiot does it now (and has for a while). No offense to idiots out there, myself included, but I am soooooo bored of vegan this and healthy mom that and gluten free everything and paleo and juicing and rustic lives with so much unfinished wood. I get it! Everyone is a photographer, everyone is a master of their domain, everyone is some person whose life was turned around by some new way of living or a pair of lululemon spandex. It feels really false to me. It makes me want to take a picture of my disaster of an apartment. I don’t live in a dream of how I want to live. I just live alone in a studio and sometimes it’s lonely and sometimes it’s not. God, can I just do that without having to read about how tiled your kitchen is and how you got married in Maine and there was so much twine?
It’s just that I am trying to come to terms with how difficult life is sometimes. I thought it would be different, and people keep perpetuating that. Like I just need to find that right person or right job or give up gluten and then it’ll all click into place, and if it doesn’t then it’s something I’m doing wrong or some attitude adjustment I need or I’m just unlucky. I’m too bitter or my heart isn’t open or I’m just not cut out for heavy emotional lifting. I’m tired of people pretending they have things figured out because it makes them look more adult or less crazy or it makes buying expensive couch pillows feel like the right choice.
The bottom line is that I am fully in this. I am alive and sometimes that makes me say, out loud, to myself, “this is a nightmare” (I literally actually said that to myself at 2am a week ago), and sometimes it makes me laugh and say, “if this isn’t nice, then I don’t know what is” (credit Kurt Vonnegut, my man). It’s all those things and other things I shouldn’t say out loud or in searchable writing, all put together.
Tonight I was watching New Girl (leave your Zooey Deschanel hate at the door, that show is so lovely) and one of the commercials was for cat food and the lady feeding her cat put down a tray with the food on it and also A VASE OF FLOWERS. For her cat. Flowers on a tray. What? Where am I? I also sprayed soup in my eye tonight. Right in there!
The point is, I made some great soup tonight, but I didn’t come up with the recipe and I didn’t photograph it on my natural wood counter and I don’t have any stories about a life perfected and you will not see a cookbook from me…ever. I am still mostly dismayed by money and power and what goes on in this world and a lot of the people I meet who ask for my trust and get it no questions asked and then do questionable things with it. But I had a beer and I ate really good soup and I watched some shows on my computer and it was a moment I logged in my brain as life being really ok. You can’t count on your decisions being good, because you just never know what they’ll bring. You cannot set yourself up for happiness, it is impossible. But you choose what to enjoy and what to gripe about. I hope you think about that a lot. I know I do. That’s my rant for tonight. Like, is that cat going to enjoy those flowers as he eats? I mean really!!!!!