I will not make a s’mores pun

I won’t make a s’mores pun because I read so many blog entries looking for this recipe wherein all these (probably perfectly nice and I’m sorry for being so fucking bitter, seriously) ladies said this one million times: “I wanted……..wait for it…..s’more of this pie!!!!!”

And that’s totally cool, but every time it happened a little of my soul died, and after you’ve read about 8 blog posts about s’mores pie and you don’t have all that much soul to begin with, all you want is for ladies to not make obvious puns when they’re making obvious pies. I suppose that was the other issue. Everyone kept acting like s’mores pie was some sort of revelation. Oh my god, chocolate pie in a graham cracker crust with marshmallows on top!! WHAT GENIUS THOUGHT OF THIS? Etc etc. I hate to burst bubbles, but, this s’mores pie is an obvious pie. There is no genius here, except that it takes the s’mores recipe and blows it up to pie-proportions (I WILL NOT SAY PIE-PORTIONS).

I bought the graham cracker crust because I had no more soul after all the lady-food-blogs-oh-my-gawd-s’mores-piiiiie-thing. Also, I didn’t have TIME. I was at book club and I was so full of frustration at the book we read that I was antsy to talk about how much I hated the main character (and in hating her, hate myself, or something, right? where is my therapist?). Also it was cheaper to buy the pre-made crust because we live in post-industrial America and the value of crushing Barbara’s graham bunnies in a plastic bag with a hammer, though thoroughly enjoyable, was not negative 40 cents. You dig?

You: Kat, you are hating a lot tonight. Me: I know, and there’s no real reason!! I just had a lovely dinner and am listening to music on my couch. I had to work overtime tonight, but I didn’t even care because I love my job!! And I get to fly home tomorrow and there might be a thunderstorm!!! Sometimes I just get carried away with what it means to have a food blog that isn’t written by some sweet and honest young mom so I feel this intense pressure to be sassy and talk about sex and act like I don’t give a fuck about handmade jam labels. It’s exhausting!!! Because I love labels!

And this pie was great, really. Perhaps it helped that I bought organic high class not-too-sweet marshmallows, the jet-puffed variety of which I find incredibly cloying. Perhaps also lending a hand was the not-too-sweet chocolate pie base. It was pretty spectacular on its own, beyond the whole MIND-BLOWING concept of turning s’mores into a pie (THE SMARTEST THING ANY DOMESTIC LADY HAS EVER THOUGHT OF LET’S WRITE A TWEE COOKBOOK ABOUT ALL THE THINGS S’MORES CAN TURN INTO).

The last thing I’ll say, and a reason I find this pie so successful, is that the only reason s’mores are not delicious is when one hasn’t properly melted the chocolate, which is not an issue here with this lovely chocolate pot-de-creme-y pie. People erroneously think the heat from the marshmallow will adequately melt the chocolate on the cracker, but that shit ain’t RIGHT. You have to melt it separately, on a rock or a macguyvered-grill-type-situation, or you’ll have hard chocolate with a slightly slippery surface where it touches the marshmallow. I have made so many s’mores, friends.

Man, you guys don’t care about my s’mores philosophy. You just want this genius pie recipe. Well. I won’t leave you waiting any…..s’more.

Bah!

S’mores Pie
slightly adapted from How Sweet It Is 

for crust
1 3/4 cups graham cracker crumbs
1 1/4 sticks butter, melted

Preheat oven to 325.

Add melted butter and graham cracker crumbs together until a crust forms. Press in to a 9 inch pie plate.

for chocolate filling (from Tyler Florence)

3/4 cup heavy cream
3/4 cup milk
10 ounces semisweet chocolate, chopped
1 tablespoons sugar
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 eggs
2 tbsp unsalted butter

1 bag of large marshmallows

Combine milk and heavy cream in a saucepan and heat over low heat. Watch carefully and once it begins to simmer, remove from heat and add in chocolate. Stir with a spatula until chocolate is melted, then whisk in sugar and salt. In a separate bowl, lightly beat the 2 eggs. Slowly add eggs to chocolate mixture while whisking.

Pour chocolate filling in to graham crust. Tyler’s directions call for the filling to be baked for 15-20 minutes, but mine needed about 30-35. Pay attention and check every 5-10 minutes after 20 minutes pass. One the chocolate is no longer liquid, remove the tart and top with as many large marshmallows as you can fit. I heated my broiled on low, and stuck the pie back in for 2 minutes so the top could get golden. The other option is to just place it back in the oven for a few minutes until they melt or use a kitchen torch.

Let cool then refrigerate for 1-2 hours before cutting.

Quickles

Because it was my birthday this Friday, and because I saw some “mediterranean cucumbers” in Whole Foods, and because it was my birthday, and because I love pickles, and because it was my birthday, I made some quick pickles. Did I mention it was my birthday? I have to admit, I used to be one of those people who tried to pretend I don’t like to make a big deal out of my birthday. It’s just one of many defense mechanisms I’ve built up from bad relationships wherein the boy I was dating straight up FORGOT about my birthday, which is a thing that happened to me 3 times with 2 different boys. So anyway, obviously, at the time, because I wanted so badly to be “the cool girlfriend” I was like, whatever, doesn’t matter, those are not the things that I care about.

But, it just isn’t true. I am a human, and I like it when humans that supposedly love me pay attention to me. I just like it. I like people telling me Happy Birthday. I like cupcakes and streamers and like….attention.  It makes me feel nice.

So that’s a thing that is. Ok, let’s stop talking about it because it’s already making me feel uncomfortable.

Regarding these quick refrigerator pickles though, they are lovely. As are all pickles.

But you guys already know you can’t really trust me when it comes to pickles, because I’m an equal opportunity pickle lover. So you could give me a bad pickle from some spoiled batch from some shitty factory in some state that doesn’t care about pickles, and I would still eat that pickle. I have standards. Are you a boy who is supposed to love me and you forget my birthday? Forgiven. Are you a pickle that tastes like poison? Forgiven. So basically if you’re a boy and I love you and/or you are a pickle of any sort, you are ok in my book no matter what. So I guess now you know the key to kat’s heart. Pickle or loved boy. When you really really really really really think about it, what’s the difference? I mean, one is less disappointing in the long run. But one….probably makes up for it with pickle. Bam bam bam bam bam. Porn joke. Aaaaand I’m out.

Spicy Pickles
*adapted from Lottie + Doof

about 8-10 kirby cucumbers, quartered
2 tablespoons of kosher salt
2 tablespoons of sugar
1 1/2 cups of distilled white vinegar
2 tablespoons of coriander seeds
1 tsp ground mustard
4 garlic cloves peeled and sliced thin
1/2 onion, sliced thin
1/2 cup loosely packed dill sprigs

1. Pack the cucumber slices, garlic slices, onion slices and dill springs into a clean, 2-quart glass jar.
2. In a container pot, combine the salt, sugar, vinegar, coriander and mustard. Boil.
3. Add water to the mixture and pour the brine over the vegetables. Add more water to the jar to fully cover the vegetables and seal tightly. Refrigerate for at least 24 hours before eating. Store in the refrigerator for up to one month.