Accidental and forgotten bear cake

Have you ever baked an accidental bear cake? Have you ever baked an accidental bear cake and then forgotten about it? These stories and more on tonight’s Kat in the Kitch…

First of all, yes, I accidentally baked a bear cake….BY CANDLELIGHT. Because my life is super romantic. And because I’m super San Francisco, it was a soy candle. Possibly organic soy, I’m not sure. I baked this bear cake at my old apartment for a book club meeting. No, I didn’t bake this bear cake for some adorable toddler. I baked it for a bunch of wined-up late 20-somethings sipping on wine and discussing sexy book stuff. It’s important where you put the stress in that sentence. We weren’t discussing SexyBook stuff. We were discussing sexy BOOK stuff. I mean, there was some boning in the book, but it was all very tasteful I assure you.

Again I did not have a mixer, so this cake and its frosting got beaten by hand. The resulting “fluffiness” was therefore extremely questionable. Plus there is brown sugar in the frosting, and does that stuff ever fully incorporate? It was super grainy granular sandy mcsandpaper. And the reason I am calling it an accidental bear cake is because I didn’t set out to make a bear cake. I set out to make a miniature wedding cake (relax, it was on-theme for our book, The Marriage Plot), but then I forgot my mini cake pans so I used a muffin tin for the top layer, which resulted in more of a snout than a cake top, so I went with it. My old roommate had bought these weird chocolate-covered gooseberries that looked like eyes and there was a perfectly nose-looking oreo just sitting around. So hey, a bear!

Otherwise this cake was good, but to be honest it didn’t blow me away. I found the recipe on Pinterest, which…I can’t get started about Pinterest, I really can’t. I have too many conflicting emotions and am bound to sound like a douchebag about it, and so many people love it, and I USED to love it, but jesus christ if I have to read one more trite motivational quote or look at one more picture of random clothing photoshopped together to form a perfectly ordinary outfit complete with accessories or view one more lacy-ass sparkly wedding dress with the word “obsessed” below it I am going to find where the site’s servers exist and explode them with my rage.

Aw, but that bear face is just TOO CUTE. Heyyyy Mr. Bear. Oh wait, I forgot, we totally ate his face. Ah well.

Snickerdoodle Cake with Brown Sugar Cinnamon Buttercream
from Foodie with Family, who supposedly “Gently adapted from Always With Butter”

1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 1/2 cups cake flour
1 tablespoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon ground cinnamon
2 sticks butter, softened to room temperature
1 3/4 cups fine or superfine sugar
4 large eggs, room temperature
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
1 1/4 cups whole milk, warmed to room temperature

4 1/2 sticks butter, softened to room temperature
1 cup light brown sugar, packed
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
8-9 cups confectioner’s (powdered) sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 cup of half and half, plus more if needed
Optional:
Whole cinnamon sticks for garnish

Preheat oven to 325°F.
Butter and flour two 8- or 9-inch round cake pans.
In a mixing bowl, whisk together the flours, baking powder, salt and cinnamon. Set aside.
Cream together the butter and sugar until fluffy and pale in colour.
Beat the eggs in one at a time, fully incorporating each egg and scraping down the bowl between each addition. Beat in the vanilla.
Add about 1/3 of the milk, beat to incorporate, then 1/3 of the flour, again beating to incorporate.
Repeat this process, scraping down the bowl as necessary, until all of the milk and flour are added and mixed in evenly.
Divide the batter evenly between the two pans and bake, rotating midway through, for about 35 minutes or until the cake tests done.
Let the cakes cool in the pan on a rack for 5 minutes before turning out onto the racks to finish cooling.

Beat together the butter, brown sugar and cinnamon until fluffy and pale in colour.
Add 6 cups of the confectioner’s sugar and the vanilla extract and beat, starting on low and moving up to high, until it is fully incorporated.
Scrape down the bowl and add the half and half. Beat to incorporate again.
Add another 2 cups of the confectioner’s sugar and beat, starting on low and moving up to high, until fully incorporated. Check the consistency of the buttercream. If it needs to be thicker, add the remaining confectioner’s sugar. If it is too thick, add more half and half a teaspoon at a time, beating after each addition, until it reaches the consistency you like.

Level out your cooled cakes and cut each into two even layers.
Place one layer on a cake plate then add a layer of buttercream, spreading to the edges and evening out as you go. Repeat with the remaining layers.
Frost the top and sides of the cake with the remaining buttercream.
If desired, garnish the top of the cake with whole cinnamon sticks.
Cover and refrigerate for at least an hour before slicing.
Store leftovers tightly covered in the refrigerator.

Pearplexity

There are a lot of things that perplex me. For instance, is it rude to go to the dentist without having just brushed your teeth? Or is it like…you know they’re going to clean them anyway, so you try to get the most bang for your buck? Similarly…hairdresser. Do I wash my hair beforehand? I know it’s going to be part of the process. But still, I feel like I go in with my hair all tied back and oily and the hairdresser is like, oh honey no, come here, let me help you. And I’m like, but it’s not usually like this! And they look at my fleece and casual jeans and sneakers and are like, sure honey, sure.

Like I could fool anyone into thinking I put the appropriate amount of effort into my appearance. I mean, today I forgot to put on deodorant. Just forgot. Forgot like I don’t put it on every damn day of my life. I also chose this day to walk to work. A cool hour of San Francisco hills later and I’m sure I didn’t impress my coworkers with my freshness.

The point of this post is that though I am often confused on how to act like a human being, I know my way around a crumble. By heart. I can crumble almost any fruit. This is my go-to ratio, and pears and cranberries are somewhat of a December thing, but we’re going to give me a pass on this one because I forgot to put on deodorant this morning.

Make it in your brand new Le Creuset that you got for Christmas that you sometimes talk to when you’re feeling lonely. If that’s the kind of person you are. Me and Cressy won’t judge you.

Pear and Cranberry Crumble

4-5 pears (i used….comice?)
1 1/2 cups cranberries (frozen’s ok)
a few tbsps of sugar, depending on how sweet your pears are (2-3 is a good bet)
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
half a lemon’s worth of juice
2 tbsp unsalted butter
1/2 vanilla bean

1 cup flour (you can do 1/2 white 1/2 whole wheat if you wanna)
1 cup oats
3/4 cup brown sugar, packed
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon allspice
a pinch ground cloves
1 teaspoon salt
1 stick unsalted butter, cubed

Preheat oven to 350.

Roughly dice pears and place in your baking dish. Add cranberries, sugar, cinnamon, and mix (with your hands is cool). Sprinkle lemon juice over. Melt the butter in a saucepan and scrape your vanilla bean seeds into it. Heat on low until lightly browned. Pour the vanilla-butter mixture over the pear-cranberry mixture and mix to coat.

Whisk together flour, oats, brown sugar, cinnamon, allspice, cloves, and salt. Add the butter and mash up with your hands until the butter is mostly incorporated. Squeeze together some larger chunks and crumble them over the pears. Press lightly. Make sure there are a lot of different sizes of crumble top.

Bake 45 min to an hour-ish. or until the topping is crisp and brown and the pears have been bubbling for 10 minutes.

Anti anti-eggs

In order to be fair to this banana bread, I must start with the disclaimer that I pretty much didn’t follow the recipe and I used REALLY old walnuts…the kind you might smell and say to yourself “these are probably not good.” Which, unfortunately, overlaps with my particular venn diagram of “things I’m probably going to use anyway even though I kinda know they are no longer good.”

And I defrosted my bananas on my stove top. I mean it wasn’t turned on or anything, but I was trying to use ambient heat and it took like 6 years and they were oddly hot in some places and still frozen in other places and…well, I tried to be energy efficient so I guess that’s what I GET.

Also I used yogurt instead of milk because I didn’t have any (and RUSSIAN yogurt at that). Aaand I honestly forget what else I added. Maybe raisins? Currants? God knows. I have all sorts of bags of things that sit on my shelves that sometimes get used up very quickly after they are bought, and sometimes they spend very long sabbaticals behind my bags of flour and then I find them 9 months later and say, ok, I’m totally going to use these really shortly, and then I like, don’t bake for 6 months again and they get all questionable and stuff.

So, my final issue is that there aren’t any eggs in this bread, which is a thing I guess. To be honest, I’m the opposite of anti-egg, and the only reasons I decided to use this recipe were 1) my sister raved about it (though she arguably followed the instructions, as is her general way of living) and 2) I was all out of eggs, and similarly out of ambition to walk the 2 blocks to the nearest corner store. So, you know.

Something tells me the bread is totally legit if you don’t use stale walnuts and raisins, and if you like….pay attention to what you’re doing and don’t be all incomplete about it. So do it, internet user! Plus, what it does have going for it is that it’s SUPER banana-y. You know when you make banana bread and it’s like…not banana-y enough? I feel that way a lot. Probably way too much. I feel everything a lot sometimes. Internet emoticon.

Coziest Banana Bread
from My New Roots 

¼ cup milk of your choice (almond, hemp, cow, goat, soy…)
6 Tbsp. olive oil, butter, ghee, coconut oil
6 Tbsp. maple syrup
1 tsp. pure vanilla extract
2 ¼ cups mashed ripe bananas (approximately 5 medium bananas)
2 cups flour (I used equal parts light + whole spelt)
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. baking powder
½ tsp. sea salt
1 cup chopped nuts + seeds (I used walnuts, pecans, and pumpkin seeds)
¾ cup chopped dark chocolate (1 standard 100 g bar) – optional

Directions:
1. Preheat oven to 350F.
2. Line an 8” x 8” cake pan or loaf pan with baking paper, or lightly oil and dust with flour, shaking out excess.
3. Put the milk, oil, maple syrup, vanilla, and bananas in a blender and blend until smooth.
4. In a large bowl combine dry ingredients. Add banana mixture and combine using as few stroked as possible. Fold in nuts and chocolate.
5. Pour into a cake pan and smooth the top. Bake until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean (time varies greatly according to oven – mine takes about an hour, but this recipe suggests only 30 minutes. Check periodically after the half hour mark.)

Egg Sandwich Exploration part VIII

Hello egg sandwich lovers. Well, I am making an assumption that everyone who reads this blog is also an egg sandwich lover. If you are not, get out. (jokes jokes! [not really though. jk!!!!! (i'm serious.)])

Today we are not making any bold changes, but we are exploring prosciutto from the fancy Italian deli near my apartment. I went in and asked for the most “bacon-like” meat and the guy thought I said “vegan-like meat” and he was very concerned for me as a human being. But we sorted it out and got a good chuckle out of it, and I walked out of there with some deli meats, so all was well.

The thing about it was, I was a bit let down by the prosciutto.  It just…it wasn’t bacon. Some minor experimentation with a sort of spicy red pepper sauce which was a hit. Not as much tang as ketchup, but more kick. A nice mild cheddar, a dense loaf, and we’re in business. Because I keeps it classy around here, I ate these on top of the box that my vacuum cleaner came in, which also serves as my kitchen table.

If you are concerned for me, you should remember that this means I own a vacuum cleaner, and you should just be happy about that.

Red pepper spready egg sandwich

2 eggs
2 slices dense, doughy bread
mild cheddar
roasted red pepper spread (i assume you can make some from like….roasted red peppers, red pepper flakes, oil, vinegar, salt, pepper in a food processor real quick?)
2 slices prosciutto

Fry the prosciutto in a pan until crispy. While that is happening, toast the bread in a 350 oven and add the cheese slices when the bread looks almost toasted. Fry the eggs to your liking. Remove cheesey toast from oven, spread pepper spread on bread, add prosciutto and top with the eggs. Close, eat on a cardboard box with some preciously-brewed coffee.

Gooped

I guess everyone has their opinion about Gwenyth Paltrow’s lifestyle newsletter, GOOP. I’m actually not sure my opinion is fully formed. On the one hand, I’m pretty sure Gwenyth would get on my nerves if she were a friend. She’s that chick you hang out with who always has it more together, knows the right recipe for that thing you’re making, had the original version on a month-long trip to Bhutan, thinks yoga will really help your depression, and whose husband is never mean to her but somehow also doesn’t completely suck at sex. You know when you talk about celebrities, and you’re like, yeah but I bet she’d be fun to sit down and have a beer with (looking at you, Kristen Wiig)? Gwenyth is not that celebrity.

And yet, who am I to judge? I bet her life is kinda shitty sometimes, and maybe her husband IS mean to her (maybe he makes her listen to his music! ooh burnnnn coldplay, how’d you like that one?), and maybe all the other moms make fun of her for naming her daughter Apple and they don’t invite her to their Pinot Gris high heel bouffant-hair parties. I bet she sometimes confides in her husband that she wish she was “one of the girls,” and he tells her to keep being her and she’ll find her people. Or something. Anyway. I feel bad for the hardship I have projected onto her most-likely-charmed-life. So I read some GOOP.

Actually, this is my second GOOP recipe. The first was a bibimbap-type rice bowly thing. It was incredibly complicated. It was delicious, sure, but I know about 5 restaurants in a 15 minute radius that will hand a better version to me in under 10 minutes for under $5. These cookies, however, are from Tate’s bakeshop. Tate’s is from Long Island…technically. Tate’s is not from LONG ISLAAANNNDD. Tate’s is from Southampton, where I’m sure Madam Paltrow has some sort of be-ponied estate. Still, as an Island girl, I grew up eating Tate’s, and it’s one of those places that acts like there’s some secret recipe to their cookies. I think, from my deep analysis of this recipe, that the secret ingredient is……water.

So I feel pretty good having debunked the Tate’s cookies code. They are still not my favorite cookies ever, but I’m tired of trying to quantify favorites. I’m pretty sure no one cares (myself included) what my 3rd favorite chocolate chip cookie recipe is. (This isn’t it.) My favorite part of the recipe is when Gwenny suggests that Nestle chocolate chips “can’t be beat.” I like this moment for 2 reasons. 1: She includes the accent in Nestle. 2. She is trying SO HARD to not be snooty about this, but I have to call bullshit. (see: accent!) Also, Nestle chocolate chips are shitty, Paltrow. Come off it! I KNOW you use Valhrona or Callebaut or whatever else. I know it. Don’t get all Main Street on me now. Stick to character!

In conclusion: goop.

Tate’s Chocolate Chip Cookies
from GOOP

YIELD: About 40 cookies

2 cups unbleached, all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup (2 sticks) lightly salted butter, at room temperature
3/4 cup granulated sugar
3/4 cup dark brown sugar, firmly packed
1 teaspoon water
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
2 large eggs, beaten
2 cups semisweet chocolate chips (Nestlé can’t really be beat) <–ha.
Preheat the oven to 350º.

Whisk the flour, soda and salt together in a bowl. In another large bowl, mix the butter with a wooden spoon to lighten it a bit and then mix in the sugars. Add the water, vanilla and eggs to the butter mixture. Stir in the flour mixture until just combined and then fold in the chocolate chips. Using two soup spoons, drop the cookies 2″ apart onto two nonstick or greased cookie sheets. Bake for eight minutes, rotating the sheets after four minutes. Remove the cookies to a wire rack to cool, and repeat the process with the rest of the batter.