Wee pies

I don’t know how to write this post, because this past week I haven’t done anything embarrassing. Or morally questionable. Or gross, or funny, or weird. I just had a normal week, and my life is actually going ok. Which is so boring for blog-purposes. So I guess I’ll just tell you about the time I made pies in jars and NOTHING WENT WRONG. I mean, I made them at my sister’s, and she’d run out of all purpose flour, so they had a cup of whole wheat pastry flour in them, but it didn’t even ruin them. I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON but I’m trying not to ask too many questions, ok, internet?

The reason they came about is because I got ragged on pretty hard at work for founding a pie shop and never bringing any pies into work. I think people assume that if you own a food business, you just have extra food items constantly on your hands that you don’t need to sell because the food industry is just so luxurious. Like I would go to sleep on a bed of pies, just because I could. Well, as most of you know, and the rest of you may have guessed, I’m no longer slinging pies during my spare time. For the most part, it was a wise decision (like, I totally sleep now!), but obviously it wasn’t an easy one to come to, and obviously I have my regrets. So pies are sort of a bittersweet thing for me at the moment. On the one hand, I have made a lot of fucking pies, and can now practically do it with my eyes closed. On the other hand…have you seen Bridesmaids? I feel kinda like Kristen Wiig when she is out at the bar with handsome brogue-y cop, and he’s like, you gotta bake! And she’s all, yeah, I don’t really do that anymore. Sad eyes, staring into her Guinness.

But then this month’s Food&Wine came out, and in it was a recipe my partners and I came up with! Which is totally cool, right? We’re like, legit. And even though I am not involved with the Bakeshop anymore, I gotta rep it. So I made our recipe for my coworkers, because I am a good coworker.

Then, I don’t know. I formatted some powerpoints correctly, sent some not-misspelled emails, and didn’t spill Indian food on my shirt at lunch. I KNOW.

What comes next? Am I….. Am I going to win the lottery???? Holy shit I totally am.

Pear and Fig Pie in a Jar
from Food and Wine

1 recipe pastry dough (I used my standby)

1 cup dried black Mission figs, stemmed and quartered (I used fresh brown turkey figs)
1 pound Bosc pears—peeled, cored and cut into 1/2-inch dice (2 cups), plus 8 pear slices, for garnish (I used seckel)
2 1/2 cups apple cider
1 cup pear eau-de-vie (omitted)
1/4 cup honey
Two 1-inch-wide strips of lemon zest
1/4 cup fresh lemon juice
1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
1/8 teaspoon ground cloves
1/8 teaspoon ground allspice
Pinch of salt
1/2 cup walnuts

MASCARPONE CREAM

1 cup mascarpone
1/2 cup crème fraîche (I used sour cream)
2 1/2 tablespoons honey
2 1/2 tablespoons maple syrup
3 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
Pinch of salt

On a floured work surface, roll out 1 disk of the dough to a 12-inch square. Cut the square into quarters and ease each piece of dough into a wide-mouth 1/2-pint jar. Repeat with the remaining dough. Refrigerate until chilled, about 15 minutes.
Preheat the oven to 350°. Set the jars on a sturdy baking sheet and line each crust with foil, pressing it to the edges. Fill with pie weights or dried beans and bake for 20 minutes. Remove the foil and weights. Press out any bubbles and bake the crusts for about 30 minutes longer, until golden brown and cooked through. Let cool.
MEANWHILE, MAKE THE FILLING In a large saucepan, combine the quartered figs, diced pears, apple cider, eau-de-vie, honey, lemon zest, lemon juice, cinnamon, cloves, allspice and salt and bring to a boil. Simmer over moderately low heat until the figs are plumped and the pears are tender, about 20 minutes. Strain the poaching liquid into a heatproof bowl. Discard the lemon zest. Set the fruit aside. Return the liquid to the saucepan and boil until it is reduced to a thick syrup, about 12 minutes.
Spread the walnuts in a pie plate and toast for about 7 minutes, until fragrant. Let cool, then coarsely chop the nuts.
MAKE THE MASCARPONE CREAM In a bowl, whisk the mascarpone with the crème fraîche, honey, maple syrup, lemon juice, vanilla and salt.
ASSEMBLE THE PIES Drizzle half of the pear-fig syrup into the pie crusts. Top with half of the mascarpone cream followed by all of the fruit and the remaining cream. Garnish with the pear slices, walnuts and the remaining syrup and serve.
MAKE AHEAD The pie crusts, fruit filling, syrup and cream can be refrigerated separately for up to 2 days. Recrisp the crusts before filling.

Pipecakes

Have we talked about eating while camping? Let’s talk about it. Because my unofficial life motto is Sandwiches At High Altitudes, you can guess that I am pretty serious about my camping and hiking food. Last weekend I went camping with a big group a few hours up the Sonoma coast, and it was a gourmet experience. People spear-fished, and then beer-battered and panko’d the very fish they just caught! We ate fresh urchin! And tri-tip! And gourmet s’mores!

I was responsible for breakfast on Sunday, which meant I needed something that would last 36 hours, but was also impressive. So I put all the dry ingredients for pancakes in a gallon-sized plastic bag, measured out the buttermilk into a water bottle, and brought along 2 eggs. And kablammo, a few shakes of the bag and I had Sunday morning pancakes. Well, all the credit goes to my sister, whose idea it was, who is responsible for most of the ideas I then rebrand as my good ideas. She also brought along the accompanying pear butter and plum jam. CAMPCAKES! But guess what, y’all. THIS is my new favorite pancake recipe. This very one! They’re lightly sweet, tangy from the buttermilk, and barely needed accoutrements. They’re crazy delicious.

Oh you know, just piping out the word “sausages” in pancake batter. These things and more are possible when you embrace the ziploc-bag-as-pastry-bag philosophy. You, too, can make a structurally sound golden gate bridge pancake while outdoors. After kayaking at sunset, running through a redwood grove, snorkeling through a kelp forest, and playing pabst-y sac (hackie sac with a pbr can). Isn’t life pretty grand?

Well unless you are me and you go to your dentist appointment today expecting a root canal and end up having your tooth completely extracted instead, because ha! ha! life is full of surprises! But also! Heh. The dentist was explaining that he was going to insert a cadaver bone into the cavity after he took the tooth out. I was like, heh, heh, oh, I see, you have to insert a bone into the cavity? That’s not the first time I’ve heard that this week. Am I right, doctor? Am I right? And then when he was putting it in he goes to his assistant, The Bigger One Would Be Better. And I was like, yeah it would. And his assistant is like, oh, this one? And he’s like, Yeah Let’s Put In The Long One. And I was like, yeah you are.

And at that moment I was thankful my mouth was stuffed with gauze.

Whole-Grain Pancakes
from 101 Cookbooks

2 cups white whole wheat flour (or unbleached all-purpose flour)  <–we used whole wheat pastry flour, so you know
1 teaspoon aluminum-free baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/3 cup natural granulated sugar (evaporated cane sugar)  <–we used light brown sugar
1/2 teaspoon fine grain sea salt
2 1/4 cups organic buttermilk
2 large organic eggs, lightly beaten
2 tablespoons butter, melted (melt in the pan skillet you are going to use)

To make the pancakes combine the flour, baking powder, baking soda, sugar, and salt in a large bowl. Add the buttermilk, eggs, and melted butter. Stir all the ingredients until they are just combined. Don’t worry if the batter is a bit lumpy, you don’t want to over mix.

Heat your skillet, pan, or griddle to medium-hot and brush it with a bit of butter. Test for the right temperature. If a drop of water dropped onto the pan starts to dance, you are in the ballpark. Pour about 1/3 of a cup of batter into the skillet. Wait until the pancake bottom is deep golden in color, then flip with a spatula and cook the other side until golden and cooked through. Repeat with the remaining batter.

Serve with a golden pat of butter and plenty of blueberries and syrup.

Makes about 12 large pancakes, or dozens of silver-dollars – enough to feed a small crowd.

Wedding pies, starry skies

Whoops, been a while. Let’s detour around the me-begging-for-forgiveness part and get right to the you-forgiving-me part. Aw, thanks for forgiving me! You are also quite attractive. I like that thing you do. It’s good!

So my future-sister and I decided to bake pies for my current-and-always-sister’s wedding. It was ambitious of us, and did not bring out the best in me. It may or may not have resulted in a pie, face down, on the kitchen floor. I shed some tears, though they were in private. I also had a huge deadline at work and literally was on my computer as the hair stylist sprayed me with hairspray. I also decided, at the 11th hour, to bake a wedding cake, because I think there is actually something clinically wrong with me. I don’t understand my limits, and I push them, and then pies die by the cold face of kitchen tile.

But I mean otherwise, like 20 pies got made (with some delicious fruit pies thrown into the mix by Julia’s friend R), and a wedding cake got slapped together, and the wedding went off without a hitch. Or, should I say, WITH a hitch! Ha ha! Ha!

I could wax poetic about the wedding. It was magical–parades, yard games, pig roast, drinking, dancing, bonfire singalong, sleeping under the stars, all in a little redwood grove in the Santa Cruz mountains–but I sense you are already pissed at me, so why add envy on top of that? Just know, aside from any pie success, it was a good night. It was a good good good good night.

This chocolate cream pie was the star, and I can’t take credit for the making of it. Future-sister Katie nailed it! You should nail it too, and then someone you love. Or don’t love. I ain’t gonna judge you, baby!

Chocolate Cream Pie
via TWTCC adapted from epicurious.com and Cooks Illustrated)

8 to 10 servings

Epicurious note: Pie (without topping) can be chilled up to 1 day.

Chocolate Cookie Crumb Crust (I used a regular pie crust, it worked)
16 Oreo cookies (with filling), broken into rough pieces, about 2½ cups
2 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted and cooled

Chocolate Cream Filling
2/3 cup sugar
¼ cup cornstarch
½ teaspoon salt
4 large egg yolks
3 cups whole milk
5 oz fine-quality bittersweet chocolate (not unsweetened), melted
2 oz unsweetened chocolate, melted
2 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened
1 teaspoon vanilla

Whipped Cream Topping
1 cups heavy cream (cold)
You can also add 1 tbsp sugar and some vanilla but I took it out because I think it’s too much.

1. For the Crust: Adjust oven rack to middle position and heat oven to 350 degrees. In bowl of food processor fitted with steel blade, process cookies with 15 one-second pulses, then let machine run until crumbs are uniformly fine, about 15 seconds. (Alternatively, place cookies in large zipper-lock plastic bag and crush with rolling pin.) Transfer crumbs to medium bowl, drizzle with butter, and use fingers to combine until butter is evenly distributed.

2. Pour crumbs into 9-inch Pyrex pie plate. Following illustration below, press crumbs evenly onto bottom and up sides of pie plate. Refrigerate lined pie plate 20 minutes to firm crumbs, then bake until crumbs are fragrant and set, about 10 minutes. Cool on wire rack while preparing filling.

3. For the filling: Whisk together sugar, cornstarch, salt, and yolks in a 3-quart heavy saucepan until combined well, then add milk in a stream, whisking. Bring to a boil over moderate heat, whisking, then reduce heat and simmer, whisking, 1 minute (filling will be thick).

4. Force filling through a fine-mesh sieve into a bowl, then whisk in chocolates, butter, and vanilla. Cover surface of filling with a plastic wrap and cool completely, about 2 hours.

5. Spoon filling into crust and chill pie, loosely covered, at least 6 hours.

6. For the topping: Just before serving, beat cream in bowl of standing mixer on low speed until small bubbles form, about 30 seconds. Increase speed to medium; continue beating until beaters leave a trail, about 30 seconds more. Increase speed to high; continue beating until cream is smooth, thick, and nearly doubled in volume and forms soft peaks, about 20 seconds. Spread or pipe whipped cream over chilled pie filling. Cut pie into wedges and serve.