Things I Learned at Work Today

OTP means “on the phone.”

NOT “over the pants.” (as in “over the pants HJ” [as in hand job {sorry kids}])

Corners are to be taken slowly. Apologies to random button-up-shirt man who received my face in his pectorals. Ehh.

The womens restroom by the engineers’ side of the building is ALWAYS empty #we’rebadatmath #nowe’renotwejustdontwanttobeengineers #idon’tblameusengineersarecreepysometimes

Also, sometimes, overnight, gnomes just show up. Everywhere.

I haven’t cooked myself dinner in over a month, so I’m sorry for all this white space on this here blog. Silence and burned popcorn. This is really a worthwhile subscription for you, isn’t it? I’m moving into my very own (and very first!) studio apt this week, so I’m hoping to regain some sort of routine again. And then we can kitch again together, instead of me just katting all over the place.

 

Good fun popcorn times, oh I burned it.

There are a few things I do when I’m buzzed. Well, there are a lot of things I do, but there are a few things I do specifically when I am buzzed and alone: I buy things online, and I seek out any food ever.

My current smartphone ownership is 100% the result of a bottle of wine. I guess my drunk-buying problem spills over into real life, because I also once drunk-walked from my apt to dinner a few miles away, drunk-wandering into a little boutique on the way. I immediately regretted walking in, because I was the only person in the store, and I didn’t like anything there, but the woman who owned the boutique had those eager eyes, and I am every salesperson’s dream. Seriously, I have bought ACLU membership from one of those door to door people. Soberly. Anyway, I was touching all the necklaces to look like I was interested in them, and I made a whole group of them fall off their hook. So obviously I walked out with a brand new necklace that I have not worn once since. Similarly, my roommate once drunk-bought a scented candle.

Tonight’s a-coupla-beers resulted in my purchase of Hulu plus, because there is apparently not enough free tv on the internet to satisfy me. I just needed to watch back episodes of Samantha Who, obviously!! I maintain that Christina Applegate has amazing comic timing!!!!!

It also resulted in this:

This was going to be a recipe for some fancy-ish popcorn. I don’t know, I had some spices and shit. But then this happened and I got all brow-furrowed and huffy and walked 3 blocks to the bank of america atm, took out $60, and bought an ice cream sandwich instead.

I suppose I regret most of my drunk purchases, but I gotta tell you, this was one of the best neapolitan ice cream sandwiches I’ve ever eaten, and if I wasn’t already in my bathrobe in bed watching tv and writing this now-mostly-sober missive, I would go buy another.

Wedding Cake Redux

So I made another wedding cake with my friend Marge. Why? Shits comma giggles. Blood comma sweat comma tears? Also Marge and I served as Maids of Honor at this particular wedding, because it was for our best friend from high school. Here’s a quick tip from me to you: don’t be maid of honor and wedding cake maker at the same time. You’ll end up pouring hot sugar into stained glass icing molds the morning of the wedding in a frantic hurry while trying to come up with some semblance of a maid of honor speech to be delivered later that day. Also your hair will look like frizzy shit in the photos. Also Marge got frosting on her dress when we moved the cake into the big fridge at the venue, which I took partial blame for, because I feel like that was a move totally aimed at me (universe, I’m onto you), but Marge was in my vicinity so she bore the brunt of it.

But let’s say you do decide to be a wedding cake maker/maid of honor. And let’s say that, somehow, the cake actually comes together. If you’re like me, you’ll be so happy that you’ll drink a little too much, drop a dumpling on your bridesmaid dress, and deliver one of the best speeches of your life in a hazy haze of relief and gin. But you’re not like me, internet browser. You’re much more put together and you’ve gotten much more sleep. Well, I can only assume. If you’ve gotten less sleep, I don’t want to hear about it, because it would make me feel really sad about your quality of life. You should really sleep more!!!!!

If you want to talk logistics, we used a Moosewood recipe for the cake, which I love. I’ll promote the Moosewood ladies as long as I live. I love those kooky Ithaca hippies. They make some damn decent food too, and this lemon curd layer cake is a great example. Marge added some fresh blueberries into the middle layers of each of the tiers for aesthetic and delicious purposes. Overall I was pretty happy with how it came out. We swiss meringue buttercreamed it–which….ok, I love a swiss meringue buttercream, but it was very difficult to ice. The texture is weirdly silky and if it’s the wrong temperature it can be super bitchy. Well also I was using pretty primitive tools. And I drove the cake 45 minutes to the venue in the back on my mom’s car, blasting the air conditioning the whole time because it was 95 EFFING DEGREES OUT thank you New York. Oh I’m just kidding, I ain’t mad atcha. By the time I flew back to San Francisco and was greeted by no good bagels and 60 degrees and fog, you were completely forgiven.

So I guess if you ever want to make stained glass sugar windows for a wedding cake for your best friend from high school, here’s a totally sweet recipe?

Stained Glass Sugar
from Jacques Torres via thefoodnetwork.com

Scant 5 cups or 1 kilos sugar
1 1/4 cups or 400 grams corn syrup
1 cup plus 2 tablespoons or 250 grams water
Cornets, method follows (at least 1 cornet per color)
Food colors, assorted
Royal icing, recipe follows
Heavy cotton gloves, to help protect hands from heat

Royal Icing
1 large egg white
1 1/2 cup powdered sugar
1/2 lemon, juiced and strained

To make royal icing: Combine the egg white and powdered sugar in a medium-size mixing bowl and whip with an electric mixer on medium speed until opaque and shiny, about 5 minutes. Add the lemon juice and continue whipping until completely incorporated, about 3 minutes. The lemon juice whitens the royal icing. The royal icing should be light, fluffy, and slightly stiff. You may need to adjust the consistency by adding more egg whites if the icing is too dry or more powdered sugar if it is too wet.

Use the royal icing to pipe out a frame or design for your stained glass. When all of the outlines are drawn, place the ingredients for the stained glass in a pan,  insert a candy thermometer and cook to 320 degrees F (I did slightly under that…probably around 290), divide the sugar evenly between the heatproof, warm measuring cups. Add a few drops of food color (pick colors that will work with your drawing) to each cup of sugar and stir with wooden skewers. It is best at this point to use some heavy cotton gloves to protect your hands. Pour 1 of the colors into a cornet and use it to fill in the spaces that you want to be that particular color. Use 1 color at a time. You can reheat the sugar in the microwave as long as it is in the measuring cups but you cannot reheat the sugar when it is in the paper cornet.

When all of the spaces on your drawing have been filled to your satisfaction, you are ready to display your stained glass masterpiece!

Opening a business is hard

Y’all, this bitch hasn’t slept a lot in the past week….s. This is because our pie business launched, and got media attention, and we sold out of our pies, so we had to make more pies!!!, and then we sold out of THOSE pies, and also I have a 50-hr a week day job, and also occasionally I need to do laundry and go to the bathroom. Between last thursday and sunday I slept a collective 10 hours. I know, I know. I’m fishing for sympathy. I understand that some people don’t think this is a big deal. Some people just don’t sleep and work all the time and Leonardo da Vinci their way through life, and additionally, don’t fucking complain about it on the internet. They’re do-ers. I’m not a do-er. I got my dad’s lazy genes. He is an epic napper. I am not, but I like to think I fit all my naps into my night’s rest. I don’t pull all-nighters and act like a human the next day. I pull all-nighters and get really existential and serial killer-y.

So yeah I’m frazzled. But also really amped up on coffee and adrenaline from our business going so well. Apparently, APPARENTLY, people love pies. Which, like, I sorta knew…but I didn’t know they’d wait outside a converted shipping container in the rain to buy them from really tired looking babes who were wearing un-cute fleeces (San Francisco is COLD) and my fat jeans.

Anyway, on the Kat in the Kitch front, I’m decorating a wedding cake in, oh, 2 days, so brace yourselves for some reporting of that. Also I am working on a post in which I tell you to drink booze, which I don’t really do much on this blog, though it feels like I should. I mean, no, like, be a normal human. Don’t drink booze all the time and be a dick to your kids or anything. But get together with your friends and make fancy lady and gentlemen cocktails more, for sure.

Oooooooook. This isn’t a real post, but there are pictures and words and I haven’t slept so I’m currently pondering what the POINT OF LIFE IS AT ALL ANYWAY. Also I am currently considering what type of pizza I should eat tonight. The answer, obviously, is all the types. All at once.