in the name of adventure

Hey internet. I am in a coffee shop in whitefish, Montana. I am stranded because i said i wanted to go on an adventure and the universe has a REALLY GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR. Anyway, i am attempting to escape, even though whitefish is like a totally sweet place. Bearded dudes everywhere! I pub crawled with an entire bachelor party of them last night.
In the meantime I wanted to share some things.
1: that salt-crusted chicken recipe was from this blog called chocolate and zucchini. I forgot to credit it because I’m an asshole.
2. I am almost positive my latte foam retrieval techniques are way outside what is socially accepted for adult humans.
3. This took me an obscenely long time to type on my phone.
4. This coffee shop is very close to exactly what i want my bakery to be like. Also they are playing bomb ass music.

Cross your fingers for my eventual departure homeward! Smooches!

Meatmaster

Aw shit y’all. Made some tender-ass chicken. Encased it in this salt crust like a babe in a blanket. Stuffed parsley under its skin like a crazy serial killer. Baked it in the oven for an hour and a half like….a person baking a chicken in the oven for an hour and a half.

Seriously though, this chicken is MOIST. There are few things more terrible than dry, overcooked chicken. It’s a major reason why I don’t LOVE chicken. Chicken and salmon, man. If you’re going to overcook them, don’t put them in front of me. Seriously that is some egregious shit. The initial impetus for trying this recipe was that I was intrigued by the salt crust, mainly because I love to encase things in dough. It’s like an entire chicken pot pie. But then you don’t eat the crust. SERIOUSLY DO NOT EAT THE CRUST. It is SALTY. You will cough a lot. You will cough and cough and cough and cough and spit it out in the sink and purse your little lips and your roommates will look at you all, why on earth would you think that was a good idea?

So yeah, the price for the moistness is the less-than-crispy skin. But I’m trying to be all “healthy” right? So I wasn’t gobbling up a lot of skin anyway. Plus then the next day I used the leftovers to create a killer chicken salad, which I ate with my TARTINE BREAD. (Still excited about that particular triumph if you cannot tell).

Ok listen friends, I leave tonight on the midnight train to Glacier (leavin on that midnight traaiaiaiain–you know what’s up, gladys). You know. All sorts of stuff. 50 hours on Amtrak. A few days in what I am predicting to be my new favorite national park. Some QT with my friend M in Portland. All in all, can’t complain. But, you know, no salt-crusted chickens being made for a while. Will you deal? Well you’ve put up with all the other half-baked excuses I have thrown your way, so please put up with this fully-baked one. Someone else will have to make such marvelous cooking-related jokes in my absence.

Salt-Crusted Chicken
from Chocolate and Zucchini

- one chicken, organic and/or from a source you trust, about 2 kilos (4.4 pounds)
- 1 medium bunch flat-leaf parsley, roughly chopped
- 3 cloves garlic, crushed with the flat of a knife blade
- 500 grams (17 2/3 ounces, about 3 3/4 cups) all-purpose flour
- 300 grams (10 1/2 ounces, about 1 1/3 cups) coarsesalt
- 3 tablespoons thyme, fresh if available, dried otherwise (other dried herbs may be substituted, such as rosemary or oregano)
- 4 tablespoons ground flax seeds, or 160 grams (5 2/3 ounces) egg whites (from 4 to 5 large eggs)

Serves 4 to 5.

Lightly oil a baking dish big enough to hold the chicken comfortably. Set aside.

If you’re using flax seeds rather than egg whites, place them in a bowl with 100 ml (6 tablespoons + 2 teaspoons) fresh water, and set aside for about 15 minutes, until the water is completely absorbed and the mixture is gelled.

Place the chicken on a work surface, on its back, with the neck side facing you. Slip your hand under the skin, starting at the base of the neck, and work gently to get your hand further in, lifting the skin from the flesh over each breast, and down over each thigh, without tearing the skin. Once the skin is loosened, slip in the chopped parsley, pushing it underneath the skin to cover the breasts and the thighs as evenly as you can.

Sprinkle a few pinches of salt inside the cavity of the chicken, and add in the garlic. Using a piece of chicken string, truss the chicken as demonstrated in Peter Hertzmann’s Preparing for roasting video at minute 2:30. Set aside.

In a large mixing bowl, combine the flour with the salt and thyme. Add the soaked ground flax seeds or the egg whites, and 160 ml (2/3 cup) fresh water, and stir with a wooden spoon or a dough whisk until the liquids are absorbed. Turn out onto a clean work surface, and knead briefly until the dough comes together; it should be supple and pleasant to work with, not sticky or crumbly. Add a little water or flour as needed to adjust the consistency.

Flour your work surface well, and roll out the salt dough into a circle large enough to wrap the chicken in it (I shoot for a diameter of about 50 cm or 20″).

Place the chicken in the middle of the circle and fold opposite flaps of the dough over the chicken to wrap it entirely. Press gently to seal; if it looks like the dough might not stay put, brush the seams with a pastry brush dipped lightly in water.

Lift the whole thing carefully but with determination, and transfer it to the prepared baking dish. Place in the fridge until ready to bake — you can leave it in for a few hours or overnight. If the salt crust cracks slightly here or there, don’t worry about it; it doesn’t need to be 100% airtight.

Remove the chicken from the fridge and preheat the oven to 200°C (400°F). Insert the dish in the oven and leave it in for 1 1/2 hours (a little more won’t hurt if the guests are late; just turn off the oven and leave the chicken inside).

Remove the dish from the oven, and break the salt crust open with a meat mallet or the handle of a chef knife. Once fractured, the crust can be simply pulled open with your oven-mitt-clad hands (it’s fun).

Lift the chicken from the open crust, transfer it to a cutting board, and carve it. Serve with the cooking juices.

Green velvet

As is my way, I made my own going away cake for my last day of work. My friend J planned a little potluck, and I knew I had to Bring It, so to speak, as my last go at being the office baked good fairy. And it was broughten.

In the form of a sassy “green velvet” cake. Get it? Cuz I worked for an [unnamed] environmental nonprofit? Yeah? You with me on this one? Oh lord, and just look at what I wrote. How kicky am I?! I am just Too Much! Don’t you think I’m just so sassy? How do people even deal with all the lip from me? I am just the Lippiest.

Seriously this is how I live. Totally insufferably.

So this cake is just my favorite red velvet cake recipe, which, after trying another one for those whoopie pies, I am completely re-devoted to. Ain’t no red velvet cake recipe better.  (Obvi replaced the red food coloring with green. Genius. Greeeenius. Ok, done, promise)

I MADE TARTINE BREAD

What have you done in the past few weeks? I have NURTURED. I have fed and taken care of and lovingly watched over. I have been interested and excited by and captivated by. I have loved. I have loved and loved and loved.

A yeast mixture.

I MADE IT. I didn’t ADD instant yeast to it. It came from the air! And my hands. I know that might gross some people out. You know, yeast gets kind of a bad rap (we’re not going to talk vag, don’t worry). But I think it’s amazing. I mixed together flour and water and let it sit out and it made a sourdough starter. Guys, the world is MAGICAL. Can’t you see how magical it is?! IT’S REALLY AMAZING!

Ok, so, full disclosure. The flavor of this bread was great, spot on, exactly what I wanted. But. BUT, I had some issues with the final rise…it got awkwardly sandwiched into some other things. I didn’t give it my full attention and I think I paid for it in the density category. The actual bread was quite dense, more bagel-y. Which like, is totally fantastic, but it’s not PERFECT.

But now I know how this magical process works. Now I can make Tartine bread! On my own! Which is REALLY really convenient, because I am leaving San Francisco now-ish.

Which is uncomfortably sad for me to think about. But, I’ve been to Tartine. I’ve been to Arizmendi and Delfina and Town Hall and Salt House and Zuni Cafe and Chez Panisse. I’ve had Blue Bottle coffee and Four Barrel Coffee and Ritual coffee and Philz Coffee. I’ve had Bi-Rite ice cream and Humphrey Slocombe and Mitchell’s and Three Twins. I’ve hiked Twin Peaks during the day and at night, I’ve walked the Land’s End trail about 20 times, I’ve run over the Golden Gate bridge 4 times and walked over it twice. I’ve taken the trolley to work, I’ve walked the entire length of the Embarcadero, I’ve spent an entire day just getting on whatever bus came my way. I’ve driven 4 hours up the coast and 7 hours down. I’ve been to Sonoma, to Point Reyes, to the Tourist Club, to Tilden, to King’s Canyon, hiked the John Muir trail, watched the sun set over the pacific next to a bonfire on ocean beach. I’ve done all that, and I’ve made some great friends, and I’m ready. To go home. NEW YORK HERE I COME!

But I’m taking this bread with me.

Well not THIS bread, incidentally. Since it was eaten within 12 hours. (srsly). But, the capacity to MAKE this bread. Thanks for keeping it real, SF.

You know, That Holiday

Oh friends. This isn’t going to turn into Bitter Single Woman post, I promise. I mean, Valentine’s Day! It’s a day! To do something special for your special someone! If, like me, you don’t have a special someone, you get recruited to help people plan their special somethings for their special someones. I am happy to report I am indirectly responsible for like 5 people being extra happy on Valentine’s Day.

I am a Valentine’s Day fairy. I am just….so fucking good at this thoughtfulness shit. In this instance I provided my roommate with some annoying over-the-shoulder commentary while she made her boo some red velvet whoopie pies.

These are adorable, just like my roommate and her boyfriend are. Everyone is cute! All the couples! Just everyone love each other. All the time. Don’t do bad things to each other. Make each other pies. Give each other presents. Call each other when you’re thinking of each other. Write each other letters. Celebrate Valentine’s Day! These are the things you get to do as People In Love. Me? I get to make sexy kinda-drunk eyes at randoms in bars. So, let’s call it even, right?

Ha ha, just kidding! I mean, I sorta got my feelings back, turns out. It’s exhausting. Honestly I feel everything all the time now. I would love to exist somewhere between the extremes of ice-queen and melty-heart-all-over-the-place-does-someone-have-a-napkin but it seems that I am only capable of being ridiculous. The trick is finding a dude who thinks that’s a trait that belongs in the “plus” column. I’ll let you know how that goes (REALLY WELL SO FAR). In the meantime, pies!!!!! <3<3<3

Red Velvet Whoopie Pies SHAPED LIKE HEARTS
from The Way the Cookie Crumbles

Cake:
2 cups (9.5-10 ounces) unbleached flour*
2 tablespoons cocoa powder (not Dutch processed)
½ teaspoon baking powder
¼ teaspoon salt
8 tablespoons (1 stick) butter, softened
1 cup (7 ounces) packed light brown sugar
1 egg, preferably room temperature
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
½ cup buttermilk, preferably room temperature
1 ounce (2 tablespoons) red food coloring

Filling:
4 ounces cream cheese, softened
4 tablespoons (½ stick) butter, softened
2 cups (8 ounces) powdered sugar
½ teaspoon vanilla

1. Adjust oven rack to middle position; preheat oven to 375F. Line baking sheets with parchment paper. In medium bowl, whisk together flour, cocoa, baking soda and salt. Mix buttermilk and red food coloring.

2. In large mixing bowl, beat butter on medium-high speed for 30 seconds, until smooth. Add brown sugar and beat until light and fluffy, about 2 minutes. With mixer at medium speed, add egg and beat until thoroughly combined, then beat in vanilla. Add about one-third of flour mixture followed by half of buttermilk mixture, mixing until incorporated after each addition (about 15 seconds). Repeat using half of remaining flour mixture and all of remaining buttermilk mixture. Scrape down sides of bowl and add remaining flour mixture; mix at medium-low speed until batter is thoroughly combined, about 15 seconds. Remove bowl from mixer and fold batter once or twice with rubber spatula to incorporate any remaining flour.

3. Spoon (or pipe) batter in 1-inch diameter rounds about ½-inch high on prepared baking sheets, allowing 1 inch between each round.

4. Bake 7 to 9 minutes, or until tops are set. Cool cookies on cookie sheets.

5. To make filling: Add cream cheese and butter to mixer bowl and beat until smooth. Gradually add powdered sugar, alternating with vanilla. Beat until smooth.

6. To fill, dollop (or pipe) cream cheese filling on flat sides of half the cookies. Top with remaining cookies, flat sides down.

To store: Refrigerate in airtight container up to 4 days. Let stand at room temperature 15 minutes before serving.

Keen on quinoa

Remember when I said I wasn’t going to drink anymore and then I went to a wedding and all of a sudden my stomach contained 3 jager bombs? Uggggggggggh. You know? I am bad at doing things I tell myself I should do. Except for when I tell myself, “You should really eat a cookie.” I am an ace at obeying such instructions.

Anyway I had a bunch of jager bombs and I lost at pool and I had the wherewithal to NOT take that last whiskey shot that everybody took. I just slipped it next to the register at the bar. Pretty sure everyone saw me do it, but I got a pass because I was the only girl in a group of eager-to-outdrink-each-other men. Also I’d driven down the coast that day, which meant I was in the car for like 8 straight hours. So, you know, people were kind.

Needless to say, I am tired today. It is not even 9pm and I’m going to go to bed. But, as to this whole food blog ish thing that I do: this quinoa salad is good. I am a big quinoa fan, and it is also super good for you. And god bless oven roasted cherry tomatoes, amiright?

Penis fart vagina monkey.

Heather’s Quinoa Recipe
from 101 Cookbooks SHOCKING

a splash of extra-virgin olive oil
a pinch of fine grain sea salt
1 shallot, minced
3 cups cooked quinoa* (or brown rice, or other grain)
1 cup corn, fresh or frozen
1 1/2 cups kale, spinach or other hearty green, finely chopped
2 cups extra-firm nigari tofu, browned in a skillet a bit
1/3 cup pesto
1/3 cup pumpkin seeds, toasted
1/4 cup roasted cherry tomatoes** (or chopped sun-dried tomatoes)

In a big skillet or pot heat the olive oil and salt over medium-high heat. Stir in the shallot and cook for a minute or two. Stir in the quinoa and corn and cook until hot and sizzling. Stir in the kale and then the tofu, cooking until tofu is heated through. Remove the skillet from heat and stir in the pesto and pumpkin seeds. Mix well so the pesto is spread throughout. Turn everything out onto a platter and top with the cherry tomatoes.

Serves 4 – 6.

*Rinse about 2 cups quinoa in a fine-meshed strainer. In a medium saucepan heat the quinoa and 4 cups water until boiling. Reduce heat and simmer until water is absorbed and quinoa fluffs up, about 15 minutes. Quinoa is done when you can see the curlique in each grain, and it is tender with a bit of pop to each bite. Drain any extra water and set aside.

** To roast cherry tomatoes: Heat oven to 350F degrees. Cut each tomato in half and arrange in a large oven-proof baking dish. Mix together a big splash of olive oil, a spoonful of brown sugar, and a few pinches of salt – pour this over the tomatoes. Gently toss them a bit, making sure they all get coated, finishing with each tomato facing cut-side up. Place in the oven and bake for 45 mintutes or so, until the tomatoes are shrunken and sweet.