Blondies the sequel: less doing it wrong

It wasn’t a banner weekend for the kat of this kitch. It involved overheated engines and hitchhiking and auto repair shops and double stuf oreos. But like, a little while ago I tried my luck at blondies again. This time not that ho Martha’s recipe (jk Martha you know I wish I had your prowess), but Dorie’s. Yes we’re all on a first name basis here.

The key difference here was most notably the absence of the mysterious hard-boiled egg taste. Not that I don’t love a hard-boiled egg (though in truth would much prefer soft-boiled). I just don’t want my blondies to taste like I should be putting salt and pepper and/or mayonnaise on them. You dig? I don’t ask for much from my blondies, I really do not. I simply want them to exist and not taste like eggs.

These blondies aced both of those requirements. What helped were the pecans and the butterscotch chips and all the other random deliciousness that I threw in them. What also helped was me not being completely fucking hapless in the kitchen for like 15 hot seconds. Hey, we’re all taking steps forward here, together. Next time let’s not explode our cars on the side of Route 1 in the middle of nowhere and freak out and possibly cry not that I did that I’m 27 years old don’t you think I’m a bit old for tears and besides maybe I wouldn’t have to cry if the entire world wasn’t in some strange plot against my modes of transportation and all the clothing I ever wear to work or cook in or have around food in general. And also I was really tired. Oh forget you.

Chewy Chunky Blondies
from Baking from My Home to Yours

2 cups flour
¾ teaspoon baking powder
½ teaspoon baking soda
½ teaspoon salt
2 sticks (8 ounces) unsalted butter, at room temperature
1-1/2 cups (packed) light brown sugar
½ cup sugar
2 large eggs
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
6 ounces bittersweet or semisweet chocolate, chopped into chips or 1 cup store bought chocolate chips
1 cup butterscotch chips or Heath Toffee Bits
1 cup coarsely chopped walnuts (this nutty bitch used pecans!)
1 cup sweetened shredded coconut

Center a rack in the oven and preheat the oven to 325 degrees F. Butter a 9” x 13” baking pan and put it on a baking sheet.

Whisk together the flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt.

Working with a stand mixer, preferably fitted with a paddle attachment, or with a hand mixer in a large bowl, beat the butter on medium speed until smooth and creamy. Add both sugars and beat for another 3 minutes, or until well incorporated. Add the eggs one by one, beating for 1 minute after each addition, then beat in the vanilla. Reduce the mixer speed to low and add the dry ingredients, mixing just until they disappear into the batter. Using a rubber spatula, stir in the chips, nuts, and coconut. Scrape the batter into the buttered pan and use the spatula to even the top as best as you can.

Bake for about 40 minutes, or until a knife inserted into the center of the blondies comes out clean. The blondies should pull away from the sides of the pan a little and the top should be a nice honey brown. Transfer the pan to a rack and cool for about 15 minutes before turning the blondies out onto another rack. Invert onto a rack and cool the blondies to room temperature right side up.

Winning a battle, losing the war

One of the hardest lessons I’ve ever learned is that life just isn’t as magical as you thought it might turn out to be. I don’t say that to be Cynical Jaded McSadSackerton. I say it because I grew up thinking otherwise, fueled by indie rock love songs, the movie Amelie, and books like the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe.

I’m a big fan of escapism to soften the edges of what can sometimes be a truly grating and maddening world. Sometimes I close my eyes when I listen to music. Sometimes I make up stories about the people who walk by me as I sit outside and eat my lunch. Sometimes I read fiction or watch a movie or daydream. There are about a million ways to escape from the world, or at least temporarily convince yourself that it is something other than what it is; what it is, at times, being a total dick.

In this vein, I wanted to make these so-called world peace cookies. I wanted to briefly imagine a world in which cookies could result in the end of all war. A world in which people weren’t just trying to make more money or be more important or sleep with the most attractive person they can find, but wanted to help each other, make each other cookies, write handwritten notes, call just to say hi.

Wow talk about a depressing post, huh? I mean the conclusion of it is that these cookies probably make the world a scintilla (GRE word, no big deal, I’ve been studying) more bearable, and that’s really all you can ever ask from cookies. But if the mood strikes you, imagine sending these to all those power-hungry assholes who run this joint. Picture them biting into the deep, dark, chocolately, sandy, loveliness of these cookies and losing all desire to keep killing each other because of religion, land, honor, or whatever else people get their panties all in a twist about. Now open your eyes.

Psyche! We’re still fucked. But the cookies: real good, right?

World Peace Cookies
from Baking from my Home to Yours

1 1/4 cups  all-purpose flour
1/3 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 stick plus 3 tablespoons unsalted butter, at room temperature
2/3 cup (packed) light brown sugar
1/4 cup sugar
1/2 teaspoon fleur de sel or 1/4 teaspoon fine sea salt
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
5 ounces bittersweet chocolate, chopped into chips, or a generous 3/4 cup store-bought mini chocolate chips

Sift the flour, cocoa and baking soda together.

Working with a stand mixer, preferably fitted with a paddle attachment, or with a hand mixer in a large bowl, beat the butter on medium speed until soft and creamy. Add both sugars, the salt and vanilla extract and beat for 2 minutes more.

Turn off the mixer. Pour in the flour, drape a kitchen towel over the stand mixer to protect yourself and your kitchen from flying flour and pulse the mixer at low speed about 5 times, a second or two each time. Take a peek — if there is still a lot of flour on the surface of the dough, pulse a couple of times more; if not, remove the towel. Continuing at low speed, mix for about 30 seconds more, just until the flour disappears into the dough — for the best texture, work the dough as little as possible once the flour is added, and don’t be concerned if the dough looks a little crumbly. Toss in the chocolate pieces and mix only to incorporate.

Turn the dough out onto a work surface, gather it together and divide it in half. Working with one half at a time, shape the dough into logs that are 1 1/2 inches in diameter. Wrap the logs in plastic wrap and refrigerate them for at least 3 hours. (The dough can be refrigerated for up to 3 days or frozen for up to 2 months. If you’ve frozen the dough, you needn’t defrost it before baking — just slice the logs into cookies and bake the cookies 1 minute longer.)

Getting ready to bake: Center a rack in the oven and preheat the oven to 325°F (160°C). Line two baking sheets with parchment or silicone mats.

Working with a sharp thin knife, slice the logs into rounds that are 1/2 inch thick. (The rounds are likely to crack as you’re cutting them — don’t be concerned, just squeeze the bits back onto each cookie.) Arrange the rounds on the baking sheets, leaving about one inch between them.

Bake the cookies one sheet at a time for 12 minutes — they won’t look done, nor will they be firm, but that’s just the way they should be. Transfer the baking sheet to a cooling rack and let the cookies rest until they are only just warm, at which point you can serve them or let them reach room temperature.

Serving: The cookies can be eaten when they are warm or at room temperature — I prefer them at room temperature, when the textural difference between the crumbly cookie and the chocolate bits is greatest — and are best suited to cold milk or hot coffee.

Do ahead: Packed airtight, cookies will keep at room temperature for up to 3 days (Deb note: not a chance); they can be frozen for up to 2 months. They can also be frozen in log form for months, and can be sliced and baked directly from the freezer, adding a coupld minutes to the baking time.

Oh just some more pickles

Well these aren’t my favorite pickles ever ever ever, but they are the crunchiest ones I’ve made to date. I think the issue is that I used apple cider vinegar, desperately, realizing halfway through the recipe that I didn’t have regular ol’ white vinegar on hand. So essentially what I’m saying is that my life is a MadLibs story that can play out as follows.

Today I tried to make   (food item) , but I got halfway through and realized I didn’t have   (essential ingredient) . Oh and also, this morning I spilled (food item) on my (article of clothing) at work. Then I ran into (guy who dicked me over) with his new (name for any level of female companion) . Then I came home and ate a whole bunch of (food item) because I LOOOVE (food item), it’s sooo delicious it’s like my faaaavorite. Oh also you know what is confusing to me? (Anything). Am I right???

But hey, these pickles are crunchy and pickly! Maybe with white vinegar they’d be worthy of way too many exclamation points. As it stands I am happy I made them, happy to have consumed them, really jazzed about their texture, and also quite pleased with their coloration. But I am not falling out of my seat with praise over these pickles.

So if you’ll excuse me I’m going to (verb) some (noun)s and then probably regret it later. Peace out you (adjective) readers.

Spicy Refrigerator Pickles (no boiling!)
from AllRecipes

8 3 to 4 inch long pickling cucumbers
1-1/3 cups water
1 cup and 3 tablespoons white vinegar
1 cup chopped fresh dill weed
1/3 cup white sugar
5 cloves garlic, chopped
1 tablespoon coarse salt
2 teaspoons pickling spice
1 teaspoon dill seed
1/4 teaspoon red pepper flakes, or to taste
2 sprigs fresh dill weed

In a large bowl, combine the cucumbers, water, vinegar, chopped dill, sugar, garlic, salt, pickling spice, dill seed, and red pepper flakes. Stir, and let stand at room temperature for 2 hours, until the sugar and salt dissolve.
Remove the cucumbers to three 1 1/2 pint wide mouth jars, placing 4 cucumbers into each jar. Ladle in the liquid from the bowl to cover. Place a sprig of fresh dill into each jar, and seal with lids. Refrigerate for 10 days before eating. Use within 1 month.

What happens when you make 190 cookies at once.

Your kitchen becomes this.

Recipes and stories to come, eventually.

[Guestpost] Pumpkin Cupcakes. No big deal.

It’s guest post time, kiddos. I did some traveling recently, and I baked on the road, because I am COMMITTED to my CRAFT. I’m going to let my friend Meg do the talking here. Be back with my usual snarkity unecessary curse words too many caps no proper punctuation snarky snark in a few:

Hellooooo, readers! Meagan, here. Just call me, “guest poster extraordinaire.”

Kat came to DC from SF this weekend. No big deal. I picked her up from the airport, drove straight to the “deli” (its in quotes cause delis do not exist here). We got a couple of egg sandwiches. Big plus? TWO fried eggs per ONE sandwich. (You reading this Firehouse Deli?) And as we ate on my balcony, Kat went on and on about how SF just does not have seasons. Fall this, Spring that, Summer?! What’s that?

Well, it is Fall. Not technically, of course. The autumn equinox (thanks, Wikipedia!) is not until September 23rd. More than 10 days away. But, the mornings are crisp! Women are complimenting their Ray Bans with colorful scarves. Men are busting out the flannel plaid shirts and growing some in- preparation-for-winter scruff (sexy!).

Given the lovely weather (Seriously, Mother Nature, do not fuck this up. Hold off any drastic weather changes. No heat wave or snowcapocalypse necessary. Thanks!), Kat and I decided to make a decadent fall dinner. I went to my first Farmers’ Market. Kat lamented about the lack of deliciously crisp McIntosh apples on the left coast. I lamented about how I am ridiculously allergic to apples. She gasped. Then, she bought a ton of apples (which she proceeded to offer me as she chopped them up. She obviously was too enamored with the apples to listen to my SERIOUS food allergy stories). [Editor's note: exaggeration!!! but seriously, apples!!!!]

We dropped off our variety of veggies – kale, red onions, okra, etc. Then, we headed off to the Adams Morgan Day Festival to see Kat’s friend Danielle. Her boyfriend, Brian, started this uh-MAZE-ing new business, PLEASANT POPS. And while the company may have gotten its name from the area of town (Mt. Pleasant) that it started in. . . (actually, its possible that I am just making that shit up), The popsicles were beyond pleasant. They were, as I stated above, uh-MAZE-ing. I had the avocado cream. Kat had the raspberries and cream. Five dollars well spent.

Then, Kat and I came home to continue eating. Started off with Corn and Avocado Salsa. Quickly followed by Acorn Squash stuffed with brown rice, red onions, and kale. Side dish? Okra with tomatoes and red onions. No. big. deal.

Next up, dessert. We wanted to keep with the fall theme, ya know? What should we make? You guessed pumpkin pie, didn’t you? Well, no, you didn’t. Why? Cause, reader, you are smart and you read the title of this blog post. PUMPKIN CUPCAKES. No. big. deal.

Kat made do with the lack of. . . oh every baking utensils known EXCEPT silicon cupcake liners, those things are not only eco-friendly but awesome for cooking egg muffins in the morning. As you can see from the pictures, Kat really needed to use her upper arm strength to mix the batter, whip the frosting and some other technical terms. The end result? Really moist fucking cupcakes. I chronicled the adventure with my iPhone app, Hipstamatic. Again, no big deal. Enjoy!

[Editor's note: these cupcakes are legitimately scrumptious and quite possibly the moistest {shudder at that word} cupcakes known to man. Also, ignore above blasphemous sweatshirt]

Pumpkin Cupcakes with Maple Cream Cheese Frosting
from Leite’s Culinaria

1 stick unsalted butter, room temperature, plus more for greasing pans
1 cup firmly packed dark-brown sugar
1/3 cup granulated sugar
2 cups cake flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon ground ginger
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/8 teaspoon ground cloves
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
2 large eggs
1/2 cup buttermilk mixed with 1 teaspoon vanilla
1 1/4 cups canned solid-pack pumpkin

For the frosting:
Two (8-ounce) packages Philadelphia Brand cream cheese, softened
1/2 cup unsalted butter, room temperature
2 cups confectioners’ sugar
1/4 cup pure maple syrup

Make the cake
1. Preheat the oven to 350° (175°C). Butter two 8-by-2-inch cake pans, line them with parchment circles, butter the parchment, and coat the pan with flour. Tap out the excess.
2. In a stand mixer, beat the butter and sugars on medium speed until fluffy, about 5 minutes. Meanwhile, sift the flour, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, cloves, salt, and pepper into a medium bowl.
3. Add the eggs 1 at a time to the mixer, scraping down the sides after each addition. Alternate adding the flour and milk mixtures, beginning and ending with the flour. Beat in the pumpkin until smooth. Divide the batter equally between the pans. Rap the filled pans once on the counter to release any air bubbles. Bake the cakes until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean, about 30 to 40 minutes. Cool the pans on racks for 10 minutes. Invert the cakes onto racks and remove the parchment paper. Cool completely.

Make the frosting
In a stand mixer beat all the ingredients on medium until fluffy. To assemble the cake, frost the top of one cake, place the other cake on top. Frost the sides and top, swirling decoratively. Refrigerate the cake for 30 minutes to set up frosting.

Oh my jam

So I got a little grabby at my favorite grocery store (Berkeley Bowl) the other day. Guess how many cups of strawberries I bought? No don’t guess, I’m too excited to wait for you to get there. It’s 14. Guess how much 4 pounds of bruised tomatoes cost me? 99 cents. Guess how many bananas I got for 59 cents total. 12! 59 CENTS! That is 5 cents PER BANANA.

You never know what will be waiting for you on the bruised-and-going-to-be-overripe-in-about-15-seconds shelf at Berkeley Bowl. So when I walked away with about $20 worth of strawberries (i mean and that is if i LOW BALL IT) for 2 measley bones? I felt like I had performed the first instance of the world’s most complicated new surgery technique, like, blindfolded. I literally think I strutted out of the parking lot. Then I drove directly to IKEA, where I bought an ice cream cone for 99 cents and for the first time thought, come on Sweden, that is kind of expensive, I could’ve bought another 7 cups of strawberries with this. But really I didn’t think that because those ice cream cones are magical.

Here’s the analogy my roommate made after watching me unpack 14 cups of strawberries, 12 bananas, 4 lbs of tomatoes and then all of my REGULAR groceries: Oh, I get it. Berkeley Bowl is to you what Anthropologie is to me.

Do you understand, friends? In the way that many girls freak out when the shoes they’ve been pining for go on sale, I had a mental conniption when the man brought out the slightly bruised bags of strawberries. I might’ve elbowed an old lady to grab another bag. I can’t even remember. Plus that old lady should’ve moved, she was just like sniffing her bag of pears in the middle of everything. Anyway. Not that I’m immune to regular clothing-induced mania. Sometimes I go to the Gap and I like a v-neck solid color t-shirt so much that I buy it in 2 different colors!!!!!!

Also purchased: the world’s largest stalks of rhubarb. SERIOUSLY look at those sequoias. I’ve never seen anything like them! I could make so many that’s what she said jokes right now but I’m not even gonna cause I gotta tell you about the JAM!

Strawberry rhubarb JAM, babies! So easy! So rewarding! So the most amazing thing to make with mushy but still perfectly fine strawberries! So go do it! Literally, my roommates and I have been spooning this into our mouths. You don’t even need toast for this stuff. Not that I’m discouraging the making of toast. I’m a huge toast advocate. Huge. Which is why that statement should be taken with the appropriate amount of weight! I MUST REALLY MEAN IT.

Strawberry Rhubarb Jam
Adapted from Molly Wizenberg via Bon Appetit

1 16-ounce container strawberries, trimmed and chopped
3 to 4 stalks rhubarb, trimmed and chopped
2 cups sugar
2 tablespoons lemon juice

Combine fruit, sugar, and lemon juice in large bowl. Let stand at room temperature 2 hours, stirring occasionally.

Put 2 saucers in freezer.

Transfer fruit mixture to large saucepan and bring to boil over medium-high heat, stirring occasionally. Mash to thick puree with potato masher.* Reduce heat to medium and boil gently until mixture begins to thicken, stirring often, about 18 minutes.

Remove saucepan from heat to test jam for gelling point. Drop 1 teaspoonful jam on chilled saucer and return to freezer 1 minute. Remove saucer and push edge of jam with fingertip. If jam has properly gelled, surface will gently wrinkle. If not, return saucepan to heat and cook jam a few minutes longer; repeat test.

Ladle the hot jam into clean jars, and store in the refrigerator for up to two weeks

Health weeeelllllll that didn’t work out

So health week kinda mighty-morphin-power-ranger-ed itself into regular type food week. Which is to say I made these peanut butter milk chocolate crisp bars with a dark chocolate ganache topping. Turns out regular type food week is like, pretty fucking gluttonous. Shocker.

After I made them and everyone tasted them, I shouted from the kitchen into the living room, hey do you guys want me to take these to work? And in unison my roommates all shout back YES JESUS H CHRIST FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY DO NOT LEAVE THOSE LAYING AROUND HERE WHAT ABOUT HEALTH WEEK YOU ARE NOT A GOOD PERSON.

So I mean, totally, knock yourself out making these. Just know no one’s going to be throwing you any sorts of appreciative parades any time soon. But can you blame them? I mean look at that shit. That is just cruel is what that is.

Peanut Butter Crispy Bars
from Baked: New Frontiers in Baking (which I just bought and am quite pleased with!)

For the crispy crust
1 3/4 cups crisped rice cereal
1/4 cup sugar
3 tablespoons light corn syrup
3 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted

For the milk chocolate peanut butter layer
5 ounces good-quality milk chocolate, coarsely chopped
1 cup creamy peanut butter (dude, make sure it’s salted)

For the chocolate icing
3 ounces dark chocolate (60 to 72 percent cocoa), coarsely chopped
1/2 teaspoon light corn syrup
4 tablespoons (1/2 stick or 2 ounces) unsalted butter

Make the crispy crust: Lightly spray a paper towel with nonstick cooking spray and use it to rub the bottom and sides of an 8-inch square baking pan.

Put the cereal in a large bowl and set aside.

Pour 1/4 cup water into a small saucepan. Gently add the sugar and corn syrup (do not let any sugar or syrup get on the sides of the pan) and use a small wooden spoon to stir the mixture until just combined. Put a candy thermometer in the saucepan. Cook over medium-high heat and bring to a boil; cook until the mixture reaches the soft ball stage, 235 degrees F.

Remove from the heat, stir in the butter, and pour the mixture over the cereal. Working quickly, stir until the cereal is thoroughly coated, then pour it into the prepared pan. Using your hands, press the mixture into the bottom of the pan (do not press up the sides). Let the crust cool to room temperature while you make the next layer.

Make the milk chocolate peanut butter layer: In a large nonreactive metal bowl, stir together the chocolate and the peanut butter. Set the bowl over a saucepan of simmering water and cook, stirring with a rubber spatula, until the mixture is smooth. Remove the bowl from the pan and stir for about 30 seconds to cool slightly. Pour the mixture over the cooled crust. Put the pan in the refridgerator for 1 hour, or until the top layer hardens.

Make the chocolate icing: In a large nonreactive metal bowl, combine the chocolate, corn syrup, and butter.

Set the bowl over a saucepan of simmering water and cook, stirring with a rubber spatula, until the mixture is completely smooth. Remove the bowl from the pan and stir for 30 seconds to cool slightly. Pour the mixture over the chilled milk chocolate peanut butter layer and spread into an even layer. Put the pan into the refrigerator for 1 hour, or until the topping hardens.

Cut into 9 squares and serve. The bars can be stored in the refrigerator, covered tightly, for up to 4 days.