I don’t know, I guess this bread is okay

Ugh, I had to rewrite this ENTIRE POST because I failed to publish it before today. Which is to say, I failed to publish it before I watched the USA soccer team fall to Ghana, which was thoroughly depressing. Just so you know, readers: I love soccer. I am a half-hearted fan of every other sport (including track, which should be “my” sport–but there is only so much drug use I can handle without feeling sad). I am technically a Mets fan, but my heart’s not in it anymore. Same goes for the Knicks (don’t even get me STARTED) and I just flat out can’t love football. But soccer. Oh, soccer. I was invested.

These are my boyeeez! I felt so much hope for them. I wanted them to win because I wanted them to be happy. Watching Donovan score that goal against Algeria literally brought tears to my eyes. I cared. I read up on them. I know their life stories. I am a USA Soccer Fan. And then they lost, and it made me feel hollow.

So. That’s why I can’t be a fan of all sports, because how the hell would I ever get anything done? This post used to say things about other stuff. But now all I can think about is how much I wanted us to win, and how much we didn’t. And this strawberry banana bread was just kind of OK–like Jozy Altidore’s effort in the Ghana game (you’re BETTER THAN THAT, Joze). I know it could be amazing, but it wasn’t. There was no umph there. There was no sparkle. No energy. So. There’s THAT too.

But next time, I’m in the mood to kinda hit one out of the park. Time to pick myself up, dust myself off, and stick my nose in a bunch of cookbooks. TTYL, internet.

Strawberry-Banana Bread
adapted from joyofbaking who adpated it from Oregon’s Cuisine of the Rain

1/2 cup (1 stick) (113 grams) unsalted butter, melted
3/4 cup (160 grams) light brown sugar
2 large eggs, lightly beaten
1 teaspoon (4 grams) pure vanilla extract
2 large ripe bananas, mashed (about 1 cup)  (i used 3)
1 cup (240 ml) fresh strawberries(cut into bite sized pieces)
2 1/4 cups (295 grams) all-purpose flour
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon (4 grams) ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon (2.5 grams) salt

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (177 degrees C).  Position rack in center of oven. Butter a 9×5″ bread pan.

In a small saucepan melt the butter.  Set aside.

In a medium sized bowl whisk together the brown sugar, eggs, vanilla extract and mashed banana. Add the melted butter to the brown sugar mixture and stir to combine.

In another large bowl combine the flour, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, and salt. Gently fold in the berries, making sure they are coated with flour. This helps to prevent the berries from sinking during baking. Add the wet ingredients to the dry ingredients and stir only until the ingredients are just combined. Do not over mix the batter or tough muffins will result.

Pour the batter into the greased bread pan. Place in the oven and bake until a tester inserted in the center of the loaf comes out clean, 45 to 50 minutes. Transfer to a wire rack to cool.

Brownies have the fun, it turns out

So, brownies are better than blondies. There, I said it. Chocolate, you win. You always win, though, so this is probably not that exciting for you. You’re the fucking Meryl Streep of baked goods. People love you, they want to see you in everything. They need you. They seek you out in times of despair. You solve problems and are revered. It must feel nice. Does it feel nice, chocolate? Does it??

Right, so, I’m speaking to a food item. I realize this. I’m so tired, internet. I’ve been getting up early to watch soccer games for a week now. Last Saturday I was at a bar at 7am. 7am. By myself. At a bar. At 7am. Drinking a bloody mary. By myself. Yes, I’m That Girl.

And on top of being That Girl, I kinda thought I was hot shit throwing some fresh cherries into these brownies. I was all, check out THIS MOVE. You guys haven’t even seen the BEGINNING of my culinary genius. But to be honest, I think it was a waste. I think dried cherries have a lot of business being in a brownie, but the fresh cherries didn’t have enough ZING. They were just…wet. And vaguely sweet. And unnecessary, because the brownies themselves are very wet and fudgy. They’re the fucking fudgiest. Fudge fudge fudge.

Welp. I’m just going to wrap this one up. Seems like the right thing to do, on account of all the nonsense and the phoning it in and the general uselessness of this post. See you later.

Brownies
from Tartine

3/4 c butter
1 lb. bittersweet chocolate, coarsely chopped
3/4 cup plus 2 tbsp all purpose flour
2 cups light brown sugar
5 eggs
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 cup chopped pecans (optional)

Preheat oven to 350F. Line the bottom and sides of a 9″x13″ pan with parchment paper.

In a saucepan, melt the butter over low heat. Remove from heat and add the chocolate to melt. Stir until fully melted and set aside to cool.

Sift the flour into a small bowl. In another bowl, combine the eggs, sugar, salt and vanilla. Beat on high until the mixture becomes pale and thick, about 4-5 minutes. With a spatula, fold the cooled chocolate into the egg mixture. Add the flour and fold it in gently so that you don’t deflate the air that’s been incorporated into the eggs.

4. Pour the batter into the prepared dish and smooth out the top. Sprinkle the chopped pecans evenly on top. Bake until the top looks slightly cracked and feels soft to the touch, about 25-28 minutes. Remove and cool completely in the pan. Refrigerate overnight. With a sharp knife the next day, cut into 12 squares.

Blondies do NOT HAVE MORE FUN

Do you know what I have been doing lately, internet? Struggling. I have been struggling. Not real-type struggling, wherein I don’t have enough to eat or I can’t pay my rent or I don’t have shoes or I have a deadly disease. If you are a person who is real-type struggling, you might want to stop reading now, because what follows is going to sound like a Whole Lot of Whining to you.

Because that’s precisely what it is. Whining. Poor me. I’m 27 and I have a job and a place to sleep and I live in a beautiful city and guess what–this morning I bought myself a peach. Life is just TERRIBLE, isn’t it?

And yet. And yet. I am struggling. I am struggling with the thoughts that most human beings struggle with at key points in their lives. Namely: What am I supposed to be? How am I supposed to contribute to society? Where am I supposed to live? Why doesn’t it ever feel like I’m doing things right? Why did Kirk Cameron convert to that creepy religion? How much longer until breakfast?

I don’t know the answers to any of these questions. Furthermore, I made these blondies and they were TERRIBLE. Like, throw them in the garbage terrible. Truly truly awful. They tasted like eggs. IN THE BAD WAY. AND I DON’T KNOW WHY! I just don’t. I followed the instructions, mostly. I think? I don’t know! Martha! Why do you continue to derail me? Why. Why do you do this to me when I buy your books and secretly kind of like your kickiness and might paint my future house using your line of wall paints available at Home Depot and similar home improvement box stores?????????????????

This is the time in my life, internet, when I need to start figuring out the answers. This is the time in my life when I need to start understanding that, even though I think I’m following the recipe, I might end up with some things that taste like eggs. In the bad way. But also, maybe in the good way sometimes? Yeah? Could we possibly do that? Breakfast burritos I’m looking at you here?

Brown Butter Toffee Blondies
from Martha’s Cookies

1 1/4 cups unsalted butter, plus more for pan
2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour, plus more for pan
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
2 cups packed light-brown sugar
1/2 cup granulated sugar
3 large eggs
2 1/2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
1 cup chopped pecans, toasted (about 4 ounces)
1 cup toffee pieces (i made my own, no big deal, except it was a WASTE OF TIME)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Butter a 9-by-13-inch baking pan. Line bottom of pan with parchment paper; butter and flour parchment paper.

In a saucepan over medium heat, cook the butter until it turns golden brown; remove from heat, and let cool. Whisk together flour, baking powder, and salt.

In the bowl of an electric mixer, combine browned butter and both sugars; stir with a wooden spoon until combined. Attach bowl to mixer; add eggs. Using the paddle attachment, beat on medium-high speed until light and fluffy, about 3 minutes. Add vanilla, and beat to combine. Add flour mixture, pecans, and toffee bits. Mix until thoroughly combined, and pour into prepared pan.

Bake until a cake tester inserted in the center comes out clean, 35 to 40 minutes (do not overbake). Transfer to a wire rack to cool completely before turning out of pan onto a cutting board. Peel off parchment paper; cut blondies into 3-inch squares. Blondies can be stored in an airtight container at room temperature up to 3 days.